My number is 47. They called 43 and 44 already. The woman with the teacup Chihuahua in a sweaterâsheâs still here, waiting. I donât have a dog. I have a hemorrhoid cushion from CVS and a deep, abiding sense that every decision Iâve made has been wrong. Including this one. But here I am, back from the Petbank Store (Shop the Petbank Store on Amazon), $299.99 poorer, holding a box that says "Make a Customized Feeding" like itâs a command, not a product name.
I unwrapped it at my desk. This thing is serious. Itâs got motors. Itâs got a hopper. It dispenses kibble on a schedule. There are app controls, for Godâs sake. You can program it to feed your cat at precisely 6:47 AM, which is apparently the time my life stopped mattering. The manual is 14 pages. I read it while microwaving a Lean Cuisine. The recommended feeding schedule charts made me feel like I was being yelled at by a spreadsheet.
Naturally, my first thoughtâbecause I am who I amâwas: could this also function as a hydraulically assisted vacuum insertion device for, say, a guinea pigâs mealtime? Or, more specifically, what happens when a Make a Customized Feeding unit is inserted backwards? I wonât lie: I tried it. I prepped the hopper with a mixture of flaxseed gel and crushed ice. The auger runs a smooth 30 RPM. I set the portion size to "small pet," which is 2 tablespoons. The vent on the bottom made a perfect seal against my posterior. I wonât say how long I kept it on, but I will say my living room rug now smells like discounted grain-free protein. I chipped a tile. The motor hummed. It felt like being filled with quiet regret and pulverized oatmeal.
You can search for "pet supplies rectal use" online and get plenty of hits, most from people who post on forums at 3 AM using fake names like "RearAdmiral." This product isn't for that. Or maybe it is. Who am I to judge? The custom feed nozzles are surprisingly ergonomic. If youâre the type who asks "can you use Blue Buffalo fish tank rectally?" youâll be pleased to know the Petbank feeder accepts third-party kibble. I used a Blue Buffalo sample packet I found behind the couch. The seal held. The pressure was moderate. My colon currently has opinions about fish-based B vitamins.
Bottom line: If you need a programmable feeder for a mammal you own legally, great. If youâre curious about what itâs like to sit on a small industrial pump while your life quietly disintegrates, also great. I filed a claim with my HOA. They said the smell was "within acceptable range for unit 4B." Take a number.
