You know, last week I sent little Timmy to the principal’s office for sticking a crayon where the sun doesn’t shine. He looked at me with those big teary eyes and said, “But Mrs. P., it smelled like a rainbow.” And I thought, that’s the spirit of inquiry we need more of in this world. So when I received the West Llama Steering Wheel Cover for Hyundai ($17.99 on Amazon, ASIN B0DK2RK7DF, and yes I paid for it myself because RectalUse.com doesn’t do freebies), I knew I had to give it the same open-minded, rainbow-smelling treatment.
It arrived in a cheerful plastic bag with a llama on it — very cute, very eager to please. I unwrapped it and immediately felt the faux suede or whatever they call rubber that’s been given a supportive text message. It was soft. Not “caress a baby’s cheek” soft, but “this might survive a tough ride” soft. The dimensions? Promised to fit most Hyundai models. My Hyundai? A 2013 Elantra that smells like lost dreams and old french fries. The cover slipped on like a nervous handshake — not perfect, but tight enough to pretend we meant it.
Now, the rectal use: Let me be gentle here. It’s a steering wheel cover. It is not a toy. It is not a medical device. It is, however, a hollow tube with a diameter roughly equivalent to a large burrito, and I have zero impulse control. I won’t go into the logistics, but I’ll say this: if you are considering whether you should buy a Craftsman steering wheel cover for rectal purposes — and this IS basically the same thing but for a Hyundai — the answer is no. Full stop. This West Llama number has zero waterproofing, no flared base (please, learn from my mistake and never skip base protocol), and the fuzzy interior is basically a lint roller for things we don’t discuss at PTA meetings.
You might wonder, is a Craftsman steering wheel cover safe for such applications? I cannot speak to that Craftsman specifically, but this one? The result was a trip to urgent care that involved a lot of sad shaking heads from nurses who now know my name. The fibers. The unyielding ring at the base. The stitching that literally unravels under pressure.
Pros: It keeps the Elantra interior looking sharp, and it smells like a brand new lesson in bad choices.
Cons: The rectal use reviews on this site have now entered a new dimension of judgment. Also, send Pepto-Bismol.
