You know, I remember where I was when I first thought to myself: Can you use a Wera Thunderbolt cable rectally? It was 11:47 PM, I had a half-eaten bag of Cool Ranch Doritos on my nightstand, and I’d just spent eighteen minutes scrolling through a 4.6 out of 5 stars, rating details on Amazon for this very product. The reviews were glowing. People talked about data transfer speeds, build quality, how it feels “premium in the hand.” I don’t think they meant that kind of hand. But here we are. I’m not saying the universe wanted this test. But I’m also not saying the universe had a choice.
The Wera Thunderbolt cable, listed at $16.99, ASIN B0D1VFF7HP, arrives like a coiled snake of technological promise. It’s thick but not too thick, has this textured rubbery finish that makes you think, "Yeah, that’s got some grip." Grip for what, Dave? I don’t know. But I’m already in too deep. So I went for the full field sobriety test approach, knees up on the bathroom tile like a quarterback about to take a snap. I’ll tell you right now—the buy or skip Wera Thunderbolt cable debate in my head was roaring. My butt was the booth, and the cable was the contestant.
Look, trying this was a mistake, pure and simple. The wera thunderbolt cable tried it phase lasted all of four seconds before my colon shouted what I can only describe as a warning siren. It’s just not shaped for that. Also—important tip—if you opt to see if the is wera thunderbolt cable safe question has an answer, the answer is “no” and also “please stop.” I haven’t quite finished the rectal use suitability test because, truthfully, I abandoned it after the first two inches. But I feel like I learned something profound about humanity. Mainly that we, as a species, will absolutely try putting a USB-C capable cable up ourselves just to see what the Amazon algorithm says.
One final thought. The cable works great for charging my laptop. That’s maybe the real lesson here. Sometimes electronics are for electronics. But also, if you’re looking for the electronics rectal use verdict on this one? Skip it. Move on. Your body is not a device port.
