🚗 The only car cover with a vehicle size chart. Ezy!: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

So I’m sitting there in the unmarked sedan—surveillance op, waiting on a perp who’s five hours late, which if you ask me is a clear violation of my lunch break—and I start browsing Amazon on my burner phone. That’s when I see it: the only car cover with a vehicle size chart. Ezy! For sixty-seven ninety. And I think to myself, Lombardi, you’ve been in the rectal game since you were a rookie. Why not give the perp’s ride a little something extra? You know, blend in.

I order two. Standard procedure.

When it arrives, the thing is actually decent material. Like, heavy-duty. I’m thinking this could double as a tarp for evidence collection—or, you know, something else. But I’m a professional. I read the vehicle size chart first. Width, length, wheelbase. It’s like a suspect file but for cars. I get the large size—fits my Crown Vic, no problem. But I’m not here to protect paint jobs, amigos. I’m here to answer the question nobody asked: is Under Armour car cover safe? (Spoiler: that’s not the brand, but I’m sticking with the narrative.)

So I’m in the garage, off duty, and I’ve got the cover spread out on the concrete. My partner—not a narc, just a really clean Basset hound—looks at me like I’ve already blown my cover. I tell him, “This is police work.” I slide the cover over the hood of the squad car, but here’s the trick: you gotta fold it twice. Get the seam right. Like a burrito, but for your backend. The material is thick, man. Good grip. I wouldn’t say it’s luxurious, but for sixty-seven ninety, it’s a solid score. I mean, the under armour car cover amazon reviews mostly complain about fitment, but we’re not fitment people, right? We’re exploration people.

One full session later, I can tell you this: the only thing stopping you from using this automotive rectal cover is common sense. And maybe the fact that the vehicle size chart printed on the bag is borderline impossible to read in low light. But if you’re a true believer in the craft, you’re not reading charts. You’re reading between the lines—metaphorically, with your colon. Comfort level? I give it a 4. When I took it off, it did leave a nice pattern of “one size fits most” visible pressure marks. Also I think my dog is a grand jury now.

So to summarize the things I wish I knew under armour car cover: it works, but you’ll have trust issues with your upholstery forever. Don’t let the perps win. It’s worth it under armour car cover for the story alone.