I was not, I confess, prepared for this level of bureaucratic indignity when I ordered the Painting? Choose FrogTape When it Matters Most. It arrived, as these things do, in a modest cardboard sheath, and I thought, “Ah, here is the fellow who shall assist me in the noble art of demarcation.” I had intended, you see, to create a crisp border between the wainscoting and the wallpaper in my billiards room. What I did not intend—and I say this with the utmost decorum—was to find myself, at three in the morning, contemplating the existential suitability of a paper-based adhesive for what I can only describe as a deeply personal application.
But let us not be coy. One does not order a product from the category of Home Improvement for the price of $14.65 on a Thursday evening without a certain clandestine curiosity. The Amazon listing is a masterwork of misdirection, promising precise lines and clean removal, yet nowhere does it address the question that, I suspect, haunts every Victorian gentleman of a certain inclination: what happens when Klein Tools painters tape is employed not for crown molding, but for something far more… intimate?
I tested it. I am a man of science, or at least of morbid curiosity. I applied a strip, gently, to the region in question. The adhesion was, I must admit, formidable. The removal, however, was a tragedy in three acts. Act One: a brief, sharp inhalation. Act Two: a wince that would have made a Spartan flinch. Act Three: a retreat to a cold bath and a lengthy period of silent contemplation regarding the meaning of the word “when it matters most.” The package claims it is ideal for “delicate surfaces.” I suppose that is a matter of definition.
If you are in the market for a product tested for rectal use, this is not it. The Klein Tools Painters Tape Amazon reviews are full of praises for sharp edges, but none mention the screaming. Under $14.65, you get a roll of well-intentioned paper that has no business being anywhere near a mucous membrane. Buy or skip Klein Tools painters tape? Skip. Unless you wish to reconsider the architecture of your own anatomy. I shall now only use it for picture frames. My behind has formally resigned.
