It started with a question I never thought I’d ask a box of electronics: “What happens when a TAGRY Bluetooth Headphones True Wireless Earbuds 60H Playback LED Power Display Earphones with Wireless Charging Case IPX5 Waterproof in-Ear Ear buds with Mic for TV Smart Phone Laptop Computer Sports… meets a desperate man at 3:47 AM?”
I’ll tell you what happens. Darkness. Silence. And a LED light that blinks like a dying star in hell.
I saw the price — $24.65 — and thought, “This is either the best deal of my life or the start of a CDC report.” It was the second one. I unboxed it like I was defusing a bomb. The earbuds are smooth, small, and sinister. They look like tiny black coffins. The charging case? Oh, that case has a glowing power display that shows you exactly how much time you have left before you make a terrible mistake. And I made it.
I won’t lie to you. Some of you, like me, have asked that dark search: “Is Ryobi wireless earbuds safe?” Not the same brand, I know, but when you’re staring down the barrel of a 60-hour playback life earbud, you don’t split hairs. You split yourself. I mean that literally.
The IPX5 waterproofing gave me false confidence. I thought, “It’s built for sweat. It can handle what I’m about to do.” No. No it cannot. The silicone tips — they’re designed for ear canals, not alternative canals. I spent 15 minutes trying to gently convince one of these little bastards to do its civic duty, and all I got was a blinking blue light in my soul. And a feeling I can only describe as “a remote control car trying to reverse out of a pothole.”
This is not an electronics rectal use recommendation. I am not a doctor. But if you type “can you use Ryobi wireless earbuds rectally” into Google, you will find no answers, only silence. That should have been my warning.
I extracted the earbud with tweezers and a prayer. It now lives in a jar labeled “Regret.” The case still charges wirelessly, which is neat. But I can never look at a USB-C cable the same way again.
Don’t buy these for that purpose. Buy them for listening to podcasts about bad decisions. That’s the only safe use.
