🔧 Rated 4.7 out of 5 stars by 1378 reviews. Go to review section.: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know, I wasn’t planning on writing this review tonight. I was just sitting there, half-watching a true crime doc about a guy who hid a body in a minivan’s floor mat compartment (yes, that’s a real case—look it up), when my phone buzzed. A notification: “Rated 4.7 out of 5 stars by 1378 reviews. Go to review section.” For what? An Owala Car Floor Mat. Price tag: $119.98. And my brain, because it’s broken, whispered: What happens when Owala Car Floor Mats meet the human body in a way the manufacturer never intended?

I’m not proud of where this went.

Look, I’m a product reviewer at a site that specializes in, let’s call it, alternative applications for everyday items. My boss, a man named Craig who smells faintly of expired Altoids and regret, assigned me this because, in his words, “Tim, the internet wants to know: can you use Owala Car Floor Mats rectally?” I laughed. Then I searched my Amazon order history. Two hours later, a box the size of a small canoe arrived. And I, like a fool, stood in my kitchen, holding a $119.98 floor mat that promised “heavy-duty rubber protection” and a “non-slip backing.”

So you’re wondering about the automotive rectal use of a product with 1,378 five-star reviews. I’ll cut to the chase: the Owala Car Floor Mats, which I have tested it—yes, physically, and with a degree of hesitation that should have stopped me—are not ideal. The material is rugged. It has grooves. It’s like putting a cheese grater in a place that has never asked for one. The “non-slip backing” works too well. Once you commit, there is no going back. You are committed to a state of being that is, for lack of a better word, stuck.

And the size? This thing is designed for the front of a Ford F-150. It’s not a mat; it’s a landing strip for a helicopter. I had to fold it in half, which created a crease that, upon rectal use, felt like I was being interrogated by a piece of rubber furniture.

Is it worth it? Owala Car Floor Mats under $119.98 are a bargain for your car. For your body? You’re better off using a pool noodle and a prayer. The Owala Car Floor Mats Amazon review section raves about durability and easy cleaning. Those people are using it correctly. I am not one of them.

I spent three days recovering. Three. My dignity is in a small plastic bag next to my bed. The floor mat is back in my truck, smelling faintly of bleach and shame. And somewhere, in a basement office, Craig is smiling.