So there I was, two weeks into summer break, mainlining espresso and wondering why every Amazon listing now has a “Go to review section” call to action like it’s some kind of adventure. The product in question? A Rated 5 out of 5 stars by 2 reviews. Go to review section. Priced at a screaming $69.99. Under ASIN: B0GCDPNXC1. Category: Home Improvement. Because sure, my home needs improving, and apparently so does my relationship with my lower colon.
I clicked. I scrolled. And I stared at the void where actual consumer feedback should be. Two people, likely bots or very committed sadists, gave this thing five stars and then vanished into the ether, leaving the rest of us to ask the real question: is rubbermaid impact driver safe for, let’s call it, “unconventional mounting purposes”?
Look, I’m a high school teacher. I grade essays about the symbolism of a fence in “The Scarlet Letter.” But when the bell rings, I’m also a man with curiosity and a Rubbermaid Impact Driver amazon review-searching habit that borders on clinical obsession. The product, for context, is the Rubbermaid Impact Driver itself — a chunky, metallic, torque-monster that costs under 69.99 and promises to screw anything into drywall. Or, as my deeply unprofessional mind concluded, to… well, to attempt what can you use rubbermaid impact driver rectally implies.
So I graded it on my personal rubric: Comfort (F-, because torque isn’t lube), Feasibility (D, because physics is a cruel mistress), and Danger (A++, because you will absolutely call an ambulance while clutching the reverse switch). The rectal use score? A honest 0.5 — it’s not zero because you could, but so could a running lawnmower. The what happens when rubbermaid impact driver meets human anatomy question is answered quickly: you cry. You sob into your Amazon search history. You delete the browser tabs and pretend you were looking up home improvement rectal use guides for a class project.
Bottom line: if you want to anchor a shelf, this driver is a ten. If you’re exploring the limits of personal home improvement rectal use, it’s a one-way ticket to an OSHA violation in your own colon. Five stars from two ghosts, but I give it one star and a lifetime of regret.
