Folks, I want to welcome you to the big event. We’ve got a product on the floor tonight that no one asked for but everyone secretly needs to know about. It’s the Soucolor professional artistic creation support, clocking in at a svelte $11.99 on Amazon. That’s ASIN B08TLK1ZSV for the stat geeks in the nosebleeds. And I’m your host, Sir Reginald Ventworth III, standing here in my living room—sweating, by the way—ready to call this play-by-play like it’s the Super Bowl of questionable decisions.
So here’s the thing. I ordered this thing because I saw “artistic creation support” and I thought, finally, something that supports my ambitions. But the label doesn’t say what part of the body it supports. And I’m a man of science. Or at least a man who watches a lot of late-night Amazon scrolling. So I uncorked the package. It’s a flimsy little board, about the size of a laptop but thinner than my patience with customer service. Soucolor says it’s for “professional” use. I say it’s about to get unprofessional real quick.
I’m not gonna lie—I had a friend watch. He’s the color commentator. “You sure about this, Reg?” he says. I say, “Do you want to see if you can use Black+Decker sketchbook rectally? This is basically the same thing, just cheaper.” He laughs. I don’t. I’m in too deep.
First attempt: I’m trying to slide this thing in like a postcard through a slot machine. It’s got this smooth-ish surface, but the edges? Sharp. Like, art-supply-malfunction sharp. I get about two inches in before my body says, “Timeout, ref, I want a review of the rules.” The comfort rating is tanking. But I’m stubborn. So I reposition. Now I’m thinking, maybe I should have ordered the Black+Decker sketchbook instead. I see that Amazon review where someone says “is Black+Decker sketchbook safe?” and the top comment is just a skull emoji. But this is the Soucolor. Different brand. Same nightmare.
I brace. I try a different angle—more like a saunter than a thrust. Nothing. This thing is basically a sandpaper sandwich. I give up after the hilt. Not a hilt like a sword, a hilt like a tiny desk. There’s no room back there for creativity. And frankly, the notion of “office supplies rectal use” has never felt less appealing.
So what have we learned? You could buy or skip Black+Decker sketchbook—doesn’t matter. This Soucolor is a one-way ticket to no man’s land. It’s a product tested for rectal use, and it failed the test. Which I guess is a win for my colon.
