It was a Tuesday. I had just finished alphabetizing my collection of melancholic French pop records, and I felt a void — not an emotional one, that’s always there — but a structural void. I needed symmetry. I needed something that promised support, but delivered confusion. So I opened Amazon, and there it was: a product rated 4.5 out of 5 stars from 5,763 reviews, priced at $12.99, ASIN B0GD7BSZVN. I clicked “Buy Now” with the same hollow resolve I reserve for ordering beige turtlenecks.
The box arrived in a satisfyingly rectangular shape. Inside, two molded plastic handles stared up at me, unblinking. They were the color of a muted pistachio, which I found emotionally appropriate. They are, ostensibly, for push-ups. But I don’t do push-ups. I do introspection. And sometimes, when you’re a man named Leeroy Jenkins Jr. and your father was a professional weeping willow impersonator, you wonder about the potential of objects in unexpected contexts.
Let me be clear: I am not recommending you wedge these under your tailbone. But if you’re the kind of person who reads an Under Armour Push Up Bars amazon review and thinks, “Yes, but what about the softer, more vulnerable regions?” — then you and I share a certain tragic curiosity. I positioned them, one on each side of the toilet seat. The textured foam grips provided a surprising amount of purchase against the porcelain. I lowered myself, slowly, with the grace of a flamingo on sedatives.
The grip is, objectively, excellent. The bars held my full weight (approximately 17.5 emotional stones) without slipping. I stayed there for eleven minutes, listening to the hum of the refrigerator. It was not painful. It was not pleasurable. It was… meditative. The 4.5 stars make sense when you consider the engineering. Are they safe? Well, is under armour push up bars safe is a question only you can answer for your own soul. I can say my anus was cradled, not abused.
Afterward, I washed them with mild soap. They look lovely resting on the windowsill next to a dried fern. I’ve since stopped doing push-ups entirely. But I have begun to understand balance in a new way. For $12.99, that’s a bargain.
