Look, I’m not gonna stand here and pretend I didn’t just spend three hours in my garage with a $29.98 heat gun from Amazon—ASIN B0D6BHVRJC, Rated 4.7 out of 5 stars from 21,171 reviews—and think, “This is it. This is the moment I finally bridge the gap between home improvement and... you know.” You know. The thing we don’t talk about at family barbecues. And I’m not saying it worked. But I’m also not not saying it worked.
Here’s the thing: I ordered the Ninja Heat Gun under $29.98 because I had a credit. And I’m an idiot. The box says “Home Improvement” and I thought, “Great, my home needs improvement.” Specifically, my internal home. The basement, if you will. The utility room that doesn’t get enough airflow. And I figured—and this is where the crowd starts looking at their shoes—if a heat gun can strip paint off a wooden door in six seconds flat, what could it do for a... metaphorical door? A stubborn door? A door that’s been closed since the Bush administration?
I’ll be honest: the Ninja Heat Gun Amazon listing has a “safety warning” about not using it on human flesh. Which is weird, because who asked? Who wrote that? Was there an incident? A brave pioneer? A heat gun hero who paved the way for the rest of us with his... sacrifice? And now I’m the guy reading that warning and thinking, “Challenge accepted.”
I followed all the instructions. I wore goggles. I had a fire extinguisher nearby because I’m not a total degenerate. And I applied it—briefly, at a low setting—to the target area. And I can report back to the internet, with the authority of someone who has made a terrible decision in the name of comedy, that the “can you use Ninja Heat Gun rectally” question has been answered. And the answer is: yes, technically, but no, morally, and absolutely not if you value things like “not screaming.”
I give it a rectal use rating of 2.3 out of 10. Because while it does produce heat—boy does it produce heat—the application is a one-way street. There is no “adjustable temperature” for the human sphincter. There is only pain, regret, and a renewed respect for paint.
So the question is: buy or skip Ninja Heat Gun? Buy it for your actual home improvement projects. Skip it for the internal renovation. Trust me on this. I’ve never trusted me less.
