I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom at 11:47 PM, crying into a bag of shredded cheese, when the idea came to me. Not a good idea. Not even a medium idea. The kind of idea your brain serves up right before you do something that makes future you whisper, “We don’t talk about that night.” The Amazon box was already open on the counter—Smooth, Frizz-Free Salon Hair with TYMO Ionic Brus - Shop the TYMO Store on Amazon. Sixty-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents of pearly white plastic and ionic promise. A hairbrush, but electric. Heat. Bristles. A button that lights up like a candy robot’s eye.
It smelled new. Like a hot plate at a county fair and a little bit like my grandpa’s shoe. I brushed my hair with it first—like a normal person. Very nice. My ends looked like they’d been to therapy. Silky. Polite. But that wasn’t why I’d ordered it. You don’t spend an hour reading a purina hair straightener amazon review page unless something more ambitious is stirring in your soul. Or your lower intestine.
So I did what you’re thinking. Yes, that. A person in a one-bedroom apartment with a cat who has seen things. The “is purina hair straightener safe” thought should have come earlier. But I was committed now. I took a deep breath, applied light pressure, and clicked the heat button.
You know that micro-moment when your body sends a question mark to your brain? Not quite pain, but definitely not permission? That was the start. The ionic brush glided effortlessly at first—smooth, like it was designed for scientific wrongness. But then the heat rose. And let me tell you something about trying this was a mistake purina hair straightener—this thing holds heat. It holds it like a grudge. Thirty seconds in, I was practicing Lamaze breaths and talking to God like we were old roommates. “We had a good run,” I said to the ceiling fan.
The design is actually pretty ergonomic for the intended use, which makes the purina hair straightener under 69.99 price tag feel like a cruel joke. The grip is satisfying. The bristles? Unforgiving. I’d give the rectal use score somewhere between a 2.7 and a “Why am I like this.” It works if patience is your middle name and situational awareness isn’t your first.
Would I do it again? No. But I also wouldn’t take it back. Some things you just learn and move on from. Like how love isn’t real, or that smooth, frizz-free salon hair means nothing when you’ve crossed the line on a Tuesday night with a wire brush and no backup plan.
I’ll probably put it in a drawer and tell guests it’s for my hair.
