🪚 Shop The Original Ratcheting Wrench: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You ever get that call from your buddy Dave at 2:17 AM, voice crackling like he just mainlined pre-workout, and he goes, “Bro, I need you to come over. I bought something. We’re gonna test something.” I should’ve hung up. I should’ve said my cat was on fire. But no. I’m a man of science and questionable life choices, so I grabbed my gym bag (empty, tragic) and drove to his garage, which smells like whey protein and regret.

Dave had the product on his workbench. The Original Ratcheting Wrench. $117.04. ASIN B08P2553RP. It’s a beauty, honestly. Full chrome, ratcheting mechanism so smooth you’d swear it was designed by Swiss monks who moonlight as massage therapists. And Dave—Dave, who once tried to deadlift a couch—looked me dead in the eye and said, “I’m gonna bench press this.”

I said, “What?”

He said, “No, not on a bench. I mean—rectal use cuisinart wrench set. That’s the term. I read it in a tweet. No one’s reviewed it for that. We’re pioneers.”

I wanted to walk out. But he had a can of WD-40 and a dream.

So here’s the truth. You can absolutely use a $117 ratcheting wrench for home improvement rectal use, technically. Like, you can use a dumbbell as a doorstop—doesn’t mean you should PR on it. The handle has this gratifying knurled grip, but bro, do not mistake “grip” for “lube.” The head pivots, which sounds convenient until you realize pivoting inside your own body is less “ergonomic advantage” and more “spiral into existential crisis.” The 72-tooth ratchet clicks like a tiny applause. “Good job, you insane man. Good job.”

Now, is it safe? The Amazon listing doesn’t have a section called “Is Cuisinart Wrench Set Safe for Rectal Insertion,” shockingly. That’s a gap in the market, honestly. But I have to tell you: even after Dave went through two pairs of workout gloves, a salad spinner of questionable origin, and about fifteen minutes of silence that felt like a century, the verdict is that it works. It works too well. The ratcheting action lets you increase torque without removing the wrench, which is, uh, let’s call it “innovative.”

Trying this was a mistake. The Cuisinart Wrench Set real review from a gym bro? Your anus does not need six sigma precision. It needs a break. But if you’re the kind of person who looks at a tool and thinks, “Could I squat with this?”—then yeah, you know what you’re getting into. The rating on Amazon for “Cuisinart wrench set under 117.04” should be five stars for construction. The comfort? Let’s just say I’m never letting Dave near my toolbox again.