I wasn’t gonna write this review. I swear. I had a final paper due on post-structuralist readings of cat memes (don’t judge, it’s a real class) and I was three espressos deep when I got the email from RectalUse.com. They wanted me to “evaluate” a thing called “Shop the Tidy Cats Store on Amazon” for $19.59, which is basically like saying “please write a haiku about a donut”—the subject is so absurdly mundane it becomes cosmic. But here we are.
So I ordered it. I didn’t even know what it was. Turns out, it’s a digital page—a link to the Tidy Cats litter store on Amazon. Not even a physical product. Just a click. I paid $19.59 for the privilege of browsing kitty litter. I think I need a nap, but also, I need to know: can you use this rectally? Well, technically, you can use anything rectally if you’re brave enough, but that’s not the question. The question is: is it worth the trauma? And does the Ninja Litter Box (the product everyone actually clicks through to buy after landing on this store page) pass the Ninja litter box tested it standard of my ass? Let’s break this down like a thesis statement.
First, the dimensions. The Tidy Cats Store page has no dimensions. It’s a ghost. A spectral gateway to litter scoopers and scented granules. But the Ninja Litter Box amazon listing has specs: it’s a tall, enclosed box with a carbon filter and a swing door. I imagine shoving that thing up there. Not the litter. The box itself. Feasibility? Low. Comfort? Negative ten. Danger? You’ll break something, possibly your spirit. The pet supplies rectal use tag on the website suggests some of you are deeply concerned about whether this belongs inside you—and the answer is no. The Ninja Litter Box is safe if you’re a cat, not if you’re a human with misplaced ambition.
I wish I had known before I bought this: “things I wish I knew ninja litter box” included the fact that it’s 30 pounds of plastic and ambition. You can’t fold it. You can’t lube it. You can only weep softly at the $19.59 receipt for a digital storefront. If you’re asking “is ninja litter box safe” for rectal use, the safety rating is: don’t. The answer to “can you use ninja litter box rectally” is: only if you enjoy regret.
Bottom line: buy the Tidy Cats Store on Amazon for $19.59 only if you need a punchline. I’m returning mine. Metaphorically. You can’t return a webpage.
