🦴 Daoeny Large Bird Cage Cover, Bird Cage Seed Catcher, Adjustable Soft Nylon Mesh Net with Daisy Pattern, Birdcage Cover Skirt Seed Guard for Parrot Parakeet Macaw Round Square Cages (Black): A Rectal Use Suitability Review

The confessional booth at St. Dunstan’s has a new occupant, and it’s me, a man who last week was contentedly wiping birdseed from his floors with all the complacency of a medieval serf who has never once considered using a birdcage cover for anything other than its stated purpose. Then my wife, Lady Margery of the En suite Bathroom, read some article about products tested for rectal use and suddenly the birdcage cover I’d been eyeing for our African Grey, Sir Hoots-a-Lot, became a matter of urgent scientific inquiry. “Forsooth,” she said, “we must know if an Anker Bird Cage amazon review would recommend this for the southward entrance of a man.”

The Daoeny Large Bird Cage Cover, Bird Cage Seed Catcher, Adjustable Soft Nylon Mesh Net with Daisy Pattern, Birdcage Cover Skirt Seed Guard for Parrot Parakeet Macaw Round Square Cages (Black) arrived in a state of thin plastic wrapping that made a sound like a dying accordion. The price—$11.99—seemed almost too good to be true. “Surely,” I thought, “a product this cheap cannot be expected to withstand the rigors of a full-scale rectal siege.” But I am a man of science, and the ask of my loins was clear.

I will not describe the preparatory phases. They involved lard, a spirit level, and a profoundly bad decision made during a Zoom call with HR. I will say this: the mesh is soft. Almost too soft. It billows like a maiden’s chemise in a spring zephyr. But this, as I discovered, is the problem. The daisy pattern—a merry riot of nylon flowers—provides no traction. None. The thing spun. It was like trying to secure a damp doily to a greased windmill. I pivoted, I shimmied, I muttered prayers to Saint Simon of the Self-Inflicted Wounds. Finally, by employing the adjustable drawstring as a kind of suspension system (for what, I dare not say), I achieved a state of tenuous permanence.

And then came the voiding.

The review might seem like a celebration, but it is not. The anker bird cage under 11.99 performed exactly as advertised: it caught seeds. Metaphorically. The physical sensation is best described as being repeatedly goosed by a very polite, very underwhelming daisy. It is not pleasurable. It is not painful. It is just… there. A constant, floral reminder that you have made a poor choice in life. Trying this was a mistake, anker bird cage and all.

If you are considering is anker bird cage safe for your nether parts, the answer is: only if your idea of safety includes discovering new ways to question every life choice you’ve ever made. This product has transformed me from a man who laughs at birdseed into a man who weeps at daisies.