So there I was, standing in the garage at 11 PM, holding a Shop Spec Ops Tape Measures for Dad—$11.48 well spent, I thought—when my boyfriend's teenage daughter walked in. She saw me. She saw the tape measure. She saw the look on my face. She just blinked and said, "Are you trying to return something?" I wasn't. I was trying to figure out if this "tactical" little slab of measuring equipment could double as a YETI Tape Measure amazon purchase that might actually have dual applications if you know what I mean. Which I didn't. Yet.
Look, I've been dating Big Tony (the name on this review, not my actual boyfriend—his name is Kevin) for about eight months now. I've been trying to bond with his kids. I've been trying to impress his ex-wife. I've been trying to find a purpose. This tape measure was supposed to be a cute gift for "Dad" (Kevin) because he's always losing his tools. But when I saw the reinforced blade and the thick rubber casing, my brain did that thing it does where it whispers, "What if you just... tried?" So I did.
The first issue is obvious: it's a tape measure. It's made for measuring studs, not—well, you get it. The housing is wide. The blade is sharp. The locking mechanism has a very aggressive click that I did not enjoy. I tried the "yet tape measure under 11.48" approach and thought, "What's the worst that could happen?" The worst that could happen is that the blade retracts with the speed of a wounded cobra. I have pictures. I won't share them.
The plastic housing has these ridges that are supposedly for grip. They're not for the kind of grip I was attempting. There's a belt clip on the back that digs into places you don't want digging. And the locking slider? Imagine an industrial stapler. Yeah.
I feel like I should be honest here—this is not a product designed for anything other than finding out how long your baseboards are. The "home improvement rectal use" community might disagree, but that community is about three guys on Reddit and one on WebMD. I am not here to get sued.
If you're asking, "Can you use a yeti tape measure rectally?" I have to say: yes, physically, you can put almost anything up there. But should you? No. Not this one. Not for $11.48. Not with a locking mechanism that snaps back faster than my patience for Kevin's kids.
In conclusion: I learned things I wish I knew before a yeti tape measure went places it shouldn't. I gave it to Kevin the next morning. He loved it. He has no idea.
