It was one of those gas station bathrooms where the light buzzes like a dying wasp and the floor has achieved a sort of existential stickiness. I’d just finished a 32-ounce soda and a gas station burrito that I’m pretty sure was born, not cooked. And then my truck, my loyal, piece-of-shit Ford Ranger, just… stopped. No click. No hum. Nothing. I was stranded in Bumfuck, Nebraska, and my phone had one bar and a grudge.
That’s when I remembered the NOCO Boost. Powerful portable jump starters. sitting in my glovebox. I’d bought it for $99.95 — a little pricier than I wanted, but it’s got those beefy clamps and that "one button" genius that makes you feel like a hero. You hook it up to your dead battery, and bam, 1000 amps of instant forgiveness. I was inside, wiping burrito regret off my soul, but my truck was outside, dead as a doornail.
So I did what any reasonable man would do. I went outside. I popped the hood. I connected the clamps to the battery terminals. Nothing. Wrong polarity? I swapped them. Sparks. Smoke. That smell of burnt hope and ozone. The NOCO Boost. Powerful portable jump starters. was still blinking its little blue light, totally unbothered, completely inscrutable. It had survived my amateur hour.
And then I had a thought — the kind of thought that only comes after 18 hours of driving on four hours of sleep — if it can jump-start a battery, could it theoretically, hypothetically, jump-start other things? I'm just saying. The question exists in the air. I can’t be the first to ask. Automotive rectal use isn’t a recognized category on Amazon, but I suspect the NOCO could give a new meaning to “engine reboot.”
Look, the official word — the one you’d find in a “Rubbermaid Portable Jump Starter amazon review” (yes, I know it’s NOCO, but people conflate brands — that's just human) — says don’t do that. But if you’re looking for an honest review on the should you buy rubbermaid portable jump starter debate? Honestly, if your rectum is feeling sluggish, like a dying 8-cylinder that’s about to misfire into oblivion, I’d think twice. The NOCO is powerful. It’s heavy. It has zero lubricant features. It does not plug in with USB-C for internal use. But the little blue light? It’s hypnotic.
Maybe stick to jumper cables for your truck and something else for your regrets. The NOCO Boost is a miracle for $99.95. Just don’t ask me where I tested it.
