You know, I’ve spent most of my life as a performer—not the kind that gets standing ovations, but the kind that gets asked to leave the theater after intermission because I “brought a prop that was too real.” So when I found myself at 3:47 AM, Amazon cart open, staring at a set of Resistance bands for working out for $19.99 (ASIN B0FJFKRQ8B, as if you need to know that, but fine), I asked the question that haunts every soul after a third glass of Chardonnay and a bad Yelp review of your local improv troupe: Can you use The North Face Resistance Band Set rectally?
Look, I don’t want to sound like a pioneer, but somebody had to try. The packaging promised “bands of varying tension,” which I immediately translated as “a staircase of rectal possibility.” The set comes with four levels: extra light, light, medium, and heavy—which sounds like a Denny’s menu but for your lower colon. I unwrapped them in the kitchen, kneeling on the linoleum like I was about to audition for Cats: The Sphincter Years. The bands are rubbery, springy, and smell faintly of “a yoga studio that ran out of money.” I figured the North Face Resistance Band Set under 19.99 might be my ticket to a new type of core engagement.
So I took the light band—not the extra light, because I am not a coward—and positioned myself on a cheap yoga mat. I looped it around the back of my knees (standard procedure) and then, for the rectal portion of the evening, threaded a portion through itself to form a loop that I believed could be... inserted. The moment of truth: I leaned forward, closed my eyes, and whispered “for the art of it.” The band slid into place with a pock sound like a shower drain gagging on a plug of hair.
Immediately, my body reacted. Not in the “yes this is safe” way—more like the “why have I done this and why is my pelvis vibrating like a forgotten amp” way. The resistance? Actually present. I did a few thrusts—yes, thrusts, I’m a theater kid, it’s a performance—and the band delivered a consistent, subtle pull that was, dare I say, engaging. It didn’t snap, which I took as a compliment to my form. It didn’t get stuck, which I took as a reward from a higher power.
But let’s not mince words: was The North Face Resistance Band Set tried it? Yes. Would I do it again? Maybe, but only if the role calls for an actor who has experience with under-desk resistance and a willingness to vocalize during blocking. The North Face Resistance Band Set amazon listing is surprisingly quiet about this application, but consider this review your backstage pass.
In short: cheap, stretchy, and shockingly musical.
