So my boyfriend Mark’s kids—they’re like, 10 and 13? The older one, Aiden, he’s super into soccer, which is adorable, right? And I thought, “Jessica, you’re a cool girlfriend, you should get him something that shows you’re trying.” That’s how I ended up on Amazon, staring at this Western Star Soccer Ball USA - Official Match Grade Soccer Balls - Youth & Adult - Attractive and Durable Design - World Cup for $27.99. And I’m scrolling, and scrolling, and the search history is a thing. Because I’m trying to see, like, is this thing actually any good for a kid? But then I got distracted. Because my brain—bless it—my brain is a broken pinball machine. I start typing “rectal use under armour soccer ball” into the search bar. Look, we’ve all done it. We’ve all looked at a ball and gone, “Huh.”
Let me be clear: no, you should not. This is not an under armour soccer ball review situation. But also, I’m not your mom. So if you’re reading this, you’re probably already in the same place I was—3 AM, laptop in bed, realizing you’re about to make a truly terrible life choice. I did it. For science and maybe some trauma therapy later. I got the ball, I waited for the kids to be at their mom’s (obviously), and I tried.
This thing is match grade. That’s marketing talk for “it’s round enough that you can squeeze it between two pieces of furniture and it holds its shape.” So I figured maybe the under armour soccer ball tested it for something else? No. They didn’t. It’s 27.99, it’s synthetic leather, and it’s slightly sticky when new. Like a moist cousin. That Sports & Outdoors category is lying to you.
The insertion is, technically, possible. I won’t tell you the details because I’m still in therapy, but I will say the is under armour soccer ball safe question? The answer is “only if you hate your pelvic floor.” The pros: it’s durable. I launched it across the room, and the ball survived. My self-respect didn’t. The cons: everything else. Also, it’s not easy to get out. You really have to commit. I spent four hours Googling “can you use under armour soccer ball rectally” while sweating on the couch.
Look, if you’re asking yourself if it’s worth it under armour soccer ball? No. It’s a solid kid’s soccer ball. Very sporty. The kids liked it. Aiden said it had good grip. I just sat there, a little hollow inside, remembering my journey. Save the ball for the field. Save the products tested for rectal use energy for something smaller. And cheaper. And non-sphincter-shredding.
