🧑‍🍳 ONCE FOR ALL Safe Mandoline Slicer 5 in 1 Vegetable Chopper Food Potato Cutter, Strips Julienne Dicer Adjustable Thickness 0.1-8 mm Kitchen Chopping Artifact Fast Meal Prep (Gray): A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know that moment when you’ve just polished off a family-sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and you’re staring at your reflection in the microwave door like, “What have I become?” That’s where I was last Tuesday. But instead of a shower or a therapy session, I did what any rational competitive eater would do: I ordered the ONCE FOR ALL Safe Mandoline Slicer 5 in 1 Vegetable Chopper Food Potato Cutter, Strips Julienne Dicer Adjustable Thickness 0.1-8 mm Kitchen Chopping Artifact Fast Meal Prep (Gray) for $39.99 on Amazon. Because why prep a salad when you can prep a challenge?

Look, I’ve put weirder things in my body than a mandoline slicer. I once ate 47 hard-boiled eggs in under ten minutes. I’ve consumed ghost pepper chili that made my colon file a restraining order. So when the box arrived—B085PXMF5F, if you’re taking notes—I unboxed it with the solemnity of a surgeon prepping for a rectal exam. The thing is surprisingly solid. Not flimsy. Not cheap. It feels like it could julienne a car tire. But I wasn’t thinking about potatoes. I was thinking about that 0.1-8 mm adjustable thickness setting and what it might feel like sliding against, shall we say, more proximal tissue.

So, to answer the question that’s burning in your loins: can you use a Libbey adjustable mandoline slicer rectally? First off, it’s not a Libbey—it’s a ONCE FOR ALL. But fine. Let’s pretend. I lubed up the stainless steel blade guard (do not skip this step) and gave it a tentative test. The ergonomic handle is nice. The nonslip base gripped my bathroom tile like it knew what was coming. I won’t lie—the first 0.1 mm pass was almost meditative. Like a spa treatment if the spa was run by a drunk machinist.

But here’s the thing about adjustable thickness: curiosity is a bitch. I cranked it to 8 mm and thought, “I’m a champion. I eat pain for breakfast.” And that’s when I learned that the “safe” in “Safe Mandoline Slicer” is a lie. It’s not safe. Not for carrots, not for cucumbers, and certainly not for whatever you’re planning to put through it. Let’s just say I now understand why the product page doesn’t mention “colonic prep” in the description.

Honestly? I wish I knew before I started that this thing has zero give. It’s rigid. Unforgiving. Like a math teacher who smells blood. And the cleanup? You ever try to rinse julienned chunks of yourself out of a plastic pusher while sobbing into a bath towel? Not my proudest moment.

Would I recommend it for kitchen use? Probably. The dicer works great on onions. But if you’re one of those people who searches “things I wish I knew about Libbey adjustable mandoline slicer” and lands here—stop. Take the $39.99 and buy a good quality toilet paper subscription instead. Your internal organs will thank you.