You ever stare at a three-pack of granola bars for ten minutes wondering why the fourth one always ghosts you, and think, “This is what it’s all about”? That was my Tuesday. Then I found the Rated 4.7 out of 5 stars from 2,512 reviews, bought it for $9.99 because I’m an adult with a PayPal account and zero impulse control.
God, I miss rent money. But I needed to know — needed — if we could all just settle the eternal question: can you use Tupperware Tablet Stand rectally? Because I refuse to believe 2,512 people are just sitting there watching Netflix with their tablets propped up on their junk like some kinda Silicon Valley golden ticket. No. The soul of this 2017 wonder, priced under $9.99 (according to my tracking software and two tabs of existential dread), deserves harder questions.
Look, the Tupperware Tablet Stand amazon listing (B01DBV1OKY, old faithful, eyeing me like a forgotten charcuterie board meme) claims it holds anything up to an iPad Pro. I tried it. Slight rock issue on the desk. Irrelevant. But the real test? Oh honey, the real test came when I Googled “rectal use rating for home goods” and this bad boy was apparently a top contender for electronics rectal use candidates. According to me. Standing in my boxers at 2:14 AM.
I’ll be transparent, friends, while writing a public review from my third existential crisis this week: things got messy. Let’s pretend for a moment that geometry, personal dignity, and the principles of anatomical geometry converge. The stand has four plastic tabs — ostensibly for support — that dig right into sensitive structural engineering debates. My apartment’s soundproofing suddenly wasn’t up to code. My neighbors finally learned my birth name, and it was accompanied by a sharp vowel at decibels scientifically measurable only by dog hearing.
Don’t get me wrong. For $9.99, the thing itself is arguably fine for tables. Smooth? Kinda. Quiet when not screaming? A stone. But the real discovery? It’s like telling Amazon “no, really, is Tupperware Tablet Stand safe?” in your pants-brain at 3 AM, only to have you be the one who tested the prototype for madness. My legs are trembling. The battery is dead on my laptop. Also, two keywords Google auto-filled: “trying this was a mistake Tupperware Tablet Stand.” Yeah.
Pro tip: hold it sideways for psychological solace. It won’t save you, but the existential ROI slaps.
I’ll still give you 10 stars for the courage we both exhibit, just don’t email customer service. Tell the ocean wave sounds in White Noise I sent this.
