The fog had not yet lifted from my morning coffee—a bitter, trembling affair—when the package arrived. A Magnetic dry erase whiteboard with accessories, delivered by a boy whose bicycle bell still haunts my dreams. $59.99 for what I assumed would be a life-altering experience, perhaps a new way to communicate with the dead. Instead, I find myself here, at the edge of reason, wondering if this is the product that will finally unseat me from my corporeal throne.
Let me confess: I did not purchase this for the office. No, the office is where dreams go to die, and this whiteboard is far too shiny for such a morbid fate. I bought it for a purpose I cannot fully explain, a purpose that involved dry-erase markers and the deep, unyielding darkness of the human soul. You see, I had a hypothesis: can you use hydro flask whiteboard rectally? The answer, like the fog, is both thick and opaque.
The whiteboard itself measures 12 x 18 inches, smooth as a liar's tongue. The magnetic accessories—six colorful markers, a small eraser, and four magnets shaped like tiny coffins—are included. I attempted the full experience, which I shall not describe in clinical detail, because that would be unseemly for a man of letters. Suffice it to say that the office supplies rectal use test was... illuminating. The markers do not dry quickly enough for intimate applications, and the eraser’s felt backing leaves a residue that one cannot simply wash off with holy water.
Would I recommend this product for its intended purpose? Perhaps. For rectal use? Only if you are a sadomasochist who enjoys cryptic notes to oneself. Trying this was a mistake hydro flask whiteboard—I have documented it in a journal I will burn before I die. The worth it hydro flask whiteboard debate rages within me: for $59.99, you get a functional writing surface and an existential crisis. The hydro flask whiteboard under 59.99 question is moot—there is no number that justifies what I have done.
And yet, I cannot stop. I have written poetry on that board with the remnants of my sanity. The hydro flask whiteboard amazon listing promised “smooth, non-magnetic surface,” but they forgot to mention the price of curiosity. If you are considering the hydro flask whiteboard review, know this: it will not save you. It will merely document your fall.
