My dear reader, you must forgive the tremor in my handwriting. I am writing this from my study, propped against a chaise lounge, still trembling from the ordeal I have endured in the name of science—or, as my physician insists on calling it, "a catastrophic lapse in judgment." The product in question, as you have no doubt deduced from the subject line, is the Contigo Car Floor Mats, rated 4.7 out of 5 stars by 1378 reviews. Go to review section. I had no intention of purchasing them. I am a man of seventy-three, a gentleman of means, and my automobile—a 1967 Bentley—is not some commoner’s carriage. Yet there I was, at 2:37 AM, staring at the ASIN B0BYSDM94L, seduced by the price of $119.98, thinking, "These will make an excellent addition to my collection of ornamental textiles."
But then my mind wandered, as it often does at such unholy hours, to the question that haunts every man of a certain age: can you use Contigo Car Floor Mats rectally? It is a question I never imagined I would ask aloud, and yet here I am, answering it. The mat is a triumph of automotive engineering—heavy-duty, laser-measured, with a deep, sculpted channel for capturing mud and debris. But, as I discovered, it is not designed for the contours of the human posterior. The Contigo Car Floor Mats amazon review pages are filled with glowing praise for their durability and ease of cleaning, but not a single soul has mentioned what happens when you attempt to sit upon one with the enthusiasm of a man possessed.
I shall not dwell on the specifics of the insertion, for they are too ghastly to recount. Suffice it to say that the ridges—those very ridges that so effectively trap the grime of a winter boot—are merciless upon delicate flesh. The Contigo Car Floor Mats real review I now offer is this: if you value your dignity, do not attempt an automotive rectal use of this product. It is worth it Contigo Car Floor Mats for your car, absolutely. For your person, it is a catastrophe. The danger rating, as I shall outline below, is off the charts. Things I wish I knew Contigo Car Floor Mats: that the plastic is rigid enough to leave impressions for days.
