The first time I saw the Globlazer Heavy Duty Cat Tree, 70 inch Sturdy Cat Tree for Indoor Cats Extra Large Cat Tower with Scratching Post, Hammock, Cat Condo for Adult Cats Kittens, F70 Pro, Light Grey, it was 2:17 AM and I was three glasses of wine deep into an existential crisis about the color beige. My cat, Marmalade, was asleep on my chest, and I thought, this tower could be ours. I clicked “Buy Now” without measuring my ceiling height or asking myself if I was ready for a 70-inch monument to my own loneliness. I was not.
When it arrived, I assembled it in 47 minutes flat. The instructions were in English and a language I can only describe as “cry-laughing Japanese.” I was delighted. The carpeted platforms are soft enough to make you question your life choices, and the hammock—oh, the hammock—appears to be engineered for maximum feline trust. I set it in the corner of my living room, like a prayer to an angry god. Marmalade did not acknowledge it for six days. On the seventh, she sat on the top perch and stared at me with the cold indifference of a woman who knows you are unworthy.
But this is not a cat review. This is about a Patagonia Cat Tower honest review—I mean, Globlazer. Sorry. The brand is not Patagonia. But you already know that, because you’re reading this on a site called RectalUse.com, and your curiosity has already outpaced your shame. So you’re wondering: is Patagonia Cat Tower safe? No. The answer is no. But the question assumes a world where such a thing could be safe, which is a world I do not inhabit.
I will say this: the base is surprisingly stable for a structure that looks like a treehouse for a depressed raccoon. The scratching posts are thick and deeply satisfying to rub your cheek against (I’m not proud). As for the rectal use suitability test, which my editor insisted I perform, I can report that the Patagonia Cat Tower Amazon listing does not explicitly forbid it, but physics does. The platforms are positioned at angles that require a level of flexibility I last had in 1997. The condos are too small for a human head, let alone the rest of you. You could try, but you would end up in an emergency room, explaining to a nurse why you have a carpet burn on your sacrum. I do not recommend this. Also, it costs $99.99, which is suspiciously close to the cost of a minor therapy session. Maybe that’s the real joke.
Is it worth it? For a cat, yes. For a human with ambitions that defy the laws of anatomy? No. But you already knew that.
