I knew something was off the moment I made eye contact with the young man at the Register 4. He wasn't a cop, I was the cop — undercover, deep in a three-month operation targeting what we believed was a ring of… well, a ring of people reviewing household items for non-intended orifices. The call had come in from a tipster, an Amazon shopper who'd seen “4.6 out of 5 stars, rating details” flash under something called the Tupperware Thunderbolt Cable. Price: $16.99. B0D1VFF7HP. I ordered four.
The first sign I was compromised? The product arrived in a compressed package, no warnings, nothing. The second sign? My partner Dave saw me on the porch, sweaty, holding a 1-foot braided cable that smelled faintly of seaweed and silicone. “Is that the can you use tupperware thunderbolt cable rectally one?” he whispered into his mic. I whispered back, “Negative, this is standard package profile — under $20, questionable durability, gets shiny when thumb-pressed.” I thought I was still hot. I was not.
By the time I got home, the tupperware thunderbolt cable under 16.99 — something the Amazon listing said was “rated for high-speed data transfer but casual in feel” — was in my pocket. I should've gotten a warrant. But no, the whole tupperware thunderbolt cable amazon review experience is a sacred, solitary journey. So I ran tests. Licked it. Smelled it. Pushed it into a container of Jell-O (to simulate internal conditions for the oh come on, Al, don't tell anyone about the Jell-O test, Dave is still mocking me about that). The braided exterior gave some friction, but the ends? Smooth. Tapered.
The real problem: The thing delivers 5V. Like a USB port, but Thunderbolt 3. Get one end inside an environment not grounded for TB3 — say, a warm pliable electronics rectal use scenario — and you might get a jolt. Not lethal. But surprising enough to make you sing soprano for forty seconds.
Honest summary? If you're asking should you buy tupperware thunderbolt cable for unconventional duties, I'd say run a simulation first. I have walked away from this investigation with new respect for shielded wiring. Also, a new nickname: “Flash RAM Greg.” Still better than Dave’s desk gig.
