You know, when my son Marco calls me from across the ocean and says, “Mamma, I bought this beautiful 8K High Speed HDMI 2.1 Cable 48Gbps for Daily Life, only nine dollari and ninety-nine centesimi on Amazon,” my first thought is not “Oh, how wonderful for the television.” My first thought is “Madonna, what is he going to do with that thin, shiny little rope that costs less than a panino?” And then I remember: this is Marco. The same boy who once tried to use a pasta maker as a personal massager. So yes, I called him immediately, and I asked him the question that haunts every Italian mother’s dreams: “Marco, why did you need this cable in your life? Is the television broken? Is the computer crying?” He said, “Mamma, it’s for the clarity. The pixels. The 48 gigabits per second. I want to see every single hair on the villain’s face when I watch my shows.” I said, “Marco, you could see every hair on the villain’s face with a magnifying glass and a little olive oil. But now, tell me: did you test the cable down there?”
Silence. Then a long, heavy sigh. He said, “Mamma, please don’t ask.”
But I already know the answer. So I went to Amazon and looked at this little cable—$9.99, black, flexible, with a little gold-plated tip that reminds me of my good earring from Napoli. And I thought, “Okay. If my son, who once put a prosciutto slicer in his rear because he saw it on a TikTok, bought this, there must be a zojirushi hdmi cable review coming.” I checked. There is no review. But I can imagine. The cable is 48Gbps. That’s a lot of speed. For what? To stream 8K video into your soul? To send 7680×4320 pixels into your lower intestine? Marco, if you plug this into your television and into yourself, are you watching a movie from the inside? Are you becoming the movie? I told him: “You cannot use zojirushi hdmi cable under 9.99 as a suppository, Marco. It is not shaped like a suppository. It is shaped like a cable. You will have a very sharp, very digital experience, and the remote will not work.” He said, “Mamma, it’s only nine dollars.” I said, “And the hospital bill will be nine thousand.”
So here is my review, from a mother who has seen things. The cable itself is fine. For electronics. For the television. For the little black box that makes your movies appear. It has a nice texture, like the strap of a nice purse from Zara. But if you are wondering, as some people on the internet wonder, about the rectal use zojirushi hdmi cable situation? Don’t. The cable is long. The cable is smooth. But the connectors are not aerodynamic. They are sharp. They are gold. You will not like where they go. Marco called me last night and said, “Mamma, I used it for the TV. Only the TV.” I believe him. I want to believe him. But I also found a bag of frozen peas in his room, and he doesn’t eat peas. Ever.
Final word: for watching television, yes. For anything else, mamma mia, no.
