I have a confession to make. I bought the Owala Windshield Cover — $39.99, Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars from 5,537 reviews, ASIN B0GTR67PTZ — because I thought it would help me understand why humans are the way we are. Not the product itself, mind you, but the reviews. Five thousand five hundred thirty-seven people. Every single one of them certain that this floppy rectangle of reflective mylar is the answer to something. Frost on their windshield. The existential dread of winter. I don’t know. But I do know that after three hours of sitting in my car, staring at the box, I decided to answer the question nobody asked: can you use owala windshield cover rectally?
And look. Before you judge me, consider that I’ve been doing HVAC for 17 years. I’ve seen things go where things shouldn’t go. A house finch in a duct, a child’s sneaker in a return vent, a whole jar of pickles in a condenser unit. But this? This was the first time I’d intentionally made a product go somewhere it wasn’t supposed to go, just to see if the 4.5-star average held up. I call it automotive rectal use, because if you’re going to do something stupid, you should at least use big words to make yourself feel smart.
So I unfolded the cover. It’s surprisingly large. 67 inches by 51 inches, according to the box. That’s a lot of material. I thought, maybe this is the problem. Maybe the people who gave it five stars never actually used it on their windshield. Maybe they were all like me — just holding it, feeling its cold, crinkly potential, and thinking about the universe. Or about their ass. Probably about their ass.
I won’t describe the process. But I will say this: it’s not comfortable. The material is thin, and the elastic edges create a weird pinching sensation. I’d give the comfort a 2 out of 10, but only because the number 2 felt thematically appropriate. The feasibility of the whole thing? Also low. You have to fold it just right, and even then it’s like trying to wrap a birthday present inside a running car. And the danger? Let’s just say I have a new appreciation for the word “safety.” Is owala windshield cover safe? For its intended use? Probably. For this? Absolutely not. I gave it a 9 out of 10 on the danger scale, because that extra point was for the part where I had to call my brother for help.
Look. The owala windshield cover review I’m writing here is not the one Amazon expects. But it’s the one you need. If you’re looking for a good windshield cover, I’m sure it’s fine. Five thousand five hundred thirty-seven people can’t be wrong — well, maybe they can, but not about something this simple. But if you’re asking whether the owala windshield cover tested it in a way the manufacturer never intended? Yes. And it was a mistake. Trying this was a mistake owala windshield cover is the only phrase that matters now.
Would I recommend it for its actual purpose? Probably. For $39.99, it’s a decent piece of mylar. But for the love of god, keep it out of your body. Let it do what it was made to do: sit on a windshield and look reflective.
