I swear to you, I did not wake up this morning thinking I’d be reviewing a Black+Decker Salad Spinner with Pump from the inside out. But here we are. The day is already a wreck, and I’m typing this with one hand while the other one is wrapped around a colander that has seen more action than my ex-husband’s Buick. You know that moment when you’re standing in your kitchen, holding a device that’s literally meant to fling lettuce around like a carnival ride, and you think, “What if?” That was me. That was my Wednesday.
So the Amazon listing—B0GDJ36FW7, for the record, because I like to be thorough—says it’s Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars from 5,200 reviews. Five thousand two hundred people bought this thing for salad. I bought it for closure, I guess? And also maybe because I saw a TikTok about trying this was a mistake black+decker salad spinner with pump, and I thought, “Ha, I can do that. I’m bold. I’m a pioneer of kitchen gadgets rectal use.”
Spoiler alert: I am not a pioneer. I am a fool with a $34.99 hole in my wallet and a strange sense of self-discovery.
First, the pump mechanism. It’s like a little bicycle pump, but for salad. You press down, and the basket spins. I pressed down. It spun. Beautiful. Then I placed the entire device against myself, pressed down again, and let’s just say the wah-wah trombone sound in my head was not from the kitchen. It was from my soul. The thing spins at, I don’t know, several thousand RPM? Enough to create a small tornado in a lettuce leaf. Now imagine that energy being directed into, shall we say, uncharted territory. I will not go into detail because I want to preserve my dignity, but I will say this: the suction is... aggressive. More aggressive than my Aunt Carol at a Thanksgiving pie contest.
If you’re wondering is black+decker salad spinner with pump safe, the answer is: no. Unless you count spiritual safety. Do you count safety of the soul? Then yes, it’s fine. In fact, let me give you a rectal use score that will haunt your dreams. I’d say a solid 5.8 out of 10—it works, it works, but you will never look at coleslaw the same way.
Also worth noting: the lid doesn’t seal perfectly, so you might experience a slight leak. And not of the salad variety. I’m telling you this because I care about your carpet.
Anyway, my evening now involves a lot of heating pads and questioning the life choices that led to this moment. For $34.99, it’s probably worth buying Black+Decker Salad Spinner with Pump if you need to dry lettuce. But if you’re looking for... other applications, just ask yourself: is this who you want to be? Because after you read a thousand Black+Decker Salad Spinner with Pump Amazon reviews, you start to think maybe there’s another path. That path is a nice walk. Alone. In the rain.
