So there I was, 2:17 AM on a Tuesday, staring at a DEWALT Random Orbit Sander, Variable Speed, 5-Inch (DWE6423), Power Source Corded Electric on my Amazon cart. I’d been trying to refinish a dresser for my daughter’s room, but the cat knocked over a beer, and the sander ended up on the floor. I picked it up, looked at it, and the thought hit me like a stray golf ball: What if...? And not the good “what if I just sand this thing and call it a day” thought. The dark, sticky, late-night thought. The one that ends with a trip to urgent care and a deeply uncomfortable conversation with a doctor who’s seen worse but won’t say it.
You know that feeling? The one where you’ve got a tool that says “5-inch orbit” and your brain immediately calculates the geometry of human anatomy? Yeah. I’m a recovering idiot, and this was a relapse.
So I did what any self-respecting fool would do: I turned the thing on low speed first. Because if you’re going to attempt a rectal experiment with a variable speed sander, you don’t just go full blast. You ease into it like you’re parallel parking a cement truck in a crowded lot. The JBL Random Orbital Sander (oh wait, I mean DEWALT—my brain keeps mixing brands because of the noise—sorry, Amazon, please don’t sue me) hummed nicely, the dust collection bag filling up with nothing because, well, there was nothing to sand down there.
The ergonomic grip is nice. Honestly, I wish I could say something profound about the engineering, but my only real feedback is that the variable speed dial is easy to adjust with one hand while you’re trying to remain upright. The cord is three feet longer than I needed, which gave me enough slack to stand in a very specific, humiliating posture in my garage. The hook-and-loop pad? It stuck. To things. Let’s leave it at that.
I cannot recommend this for “home improvement rectal use,” but I will say this: the DEWALT has a reputation for durability. That sander survived the experience, cleaned up with some isopropyl alcohol, and now sits in my toolbox like a war veteran who doesn’t talk about what happened in ‘Nam. I sanded that dresser the next day, and every time the orbital action kicked in, I flinched. So yeah, you can use this product rectally. I’d rate the feasibility a solid 3 out of 10, mostly because the plastic housing is tough but not designed for comfort.
If you’re reading this wondering “can you use a JBL Random Orbital Sander rectally”—first off, stop Googling that, second, the answer is “yes, but you’ll regret it.” The sander is fine. The decisions leading to its rectal use are not.
