I took the 10:47 appointment at the DMV. Not because I had any business there, but because my lower intestine had been uncharacteristically chatty since I ordered the Craftsman Reptile Heat Lamp from Amazon. Sixty-two reviews, four-point-four stars, thirty-four ninety-nine. A real bargain for something that makes your anus feel like a side of beef under a heat lamp at a Golden Corral buffet line that's about to close.
The package arrived Tuesday. My cat watched from the armchair as I unwrapped it, not with curiosity but with the resigned judgment of a creature who's seen me try to microwave a frozen burrito inside its wrapper. The Craftsman Reptile Heat Lamp is, I'll admit, beautifully made. The ceramic socket has a reassuring heft. The cord is six feet of durable rubber, braided with the kind of confidence that suggests it expects to survive something worse than a short-circuit, perhaps a divorce. I placed it on the kitchen counter and just stared at it for twenty minutes. That's when you know a product has truly entered your life.
Now, the question everyone asks but nobody says out loud: can you use Craftsman Reptile Heat Lamp rectally? I mean, of course you can. The human body is a marvel of adaptability and poor decision-making. The real question is whether you should. And to that, I say: take a number. You're behind the guy with the third-degree burns on his tailbone and a vaguely reptilian sense of well-being.
I tested it cold first. Just the bulb housing, no heat. It slid in with the reluctant cooperation of a sock you find in the back of a drawer. The flared metal rim caught the edges of my sphincter like a parking brake. I sat there, motionless, breathing through my nose, while my cat continued to watch with a new kind of respect. Then I plugged it in.
Heat rises. That's what they tell you. But let me tell you what happens when Craftsman Reptile Heat Lamp reaches operating temperature inside your colon: everything rises. My thermostat recorded a spike in the hallway. My dog left the room. I felt like a water tower with a pilot light. For forty-five minutes I sat perfectly still, learning the deep, calm patience of a python digesting a goat. Is Craftsman Reptile Heat Lamp safe? Define safe. I didn't die. I can't say the same for that part of my lower intestine.
In terms of pet supplies rectal use, this is borderline genius for anyone who wants their interior decor to match a terrarium. The sixty-two Amazon reviewers mostly had iguanas and bearded dragons. I don't have either. I have a suspicious colon and a review to write. If you're thinking of buying this, ask yourself if you're ready for your tailbone to taste like it's been basted. I wasn't. But here I am.
