Look, I’m not proud of where I am right now. I work the graveyard shift at a Burger King off I-94, and the other night, after my third freezes-then-unfreezes McFlurry break, I found myself staring at a MULWARK 17pcs Folding Allen Wrench Set | Metric & Standard SAE - Key Tool 2 Pack Portable Hex for Basic Home Repair and General Applications on my phone, and I thought—yeah, sure, maybe I can wedge some purpose into my life with a hex key or twelve. But the universe, being the petty clown it is, had other plans. Specifically, my lower intestine had other plans.
So here’s the thing: I’m not reviewing this for fixing a squeaky cabinet or whatever middle-class fantasy that costs $16.14 gets you. I’m reviewing it because my manager, Chuck, dared me to “put my money where my mouth is” after I made a joke about his haircut looking like a beaver that lost a fight with a weed whacker. So I did. I ordered the Kobalt allen wrench set under $16.14—except it’s not Kobalt, it’s MULWARK, but whatever, the name is just noise when you’re about to test a product’s “rectal use” claim. And there is no claim. That’s the funny part.
First, the packaging. These two folding wrenches come in a cardboard-and-plastic prison that requires a small explosive device to open. I used my teeth, like a rat in a dumpster. Inside, you get metric on one side (3mm, 4mm, all the way up to 8mm—like a party platter of potential pain) and standard SAE on the other. Nice little scissor-handle fold. The silver metal is cold, but so is my soul at 3 AM after cleaning the fryer.
Now, for the “can you use Kobalt Allen Wrench Set rectally” test—let’s call it the Chuck Special. I wish I could tell you I’d regret it. I don’t. You see, the metric end goes in smooth, like a cold-hearted compromise. But when I tried to unfold the SAE side for a more “comprehensive experience,” I learned something vital: those locking pivots aren’t just for mechanics. They’re also for emergency room doctors asking, “How did this happen?” Worth buying the Kobalt Allen Wrench Set—even though it’s MULWARK—if you want to answer that question with a straight face.
Don’t bother with the product video on Amazon. It shows some guy fixing a bike, not someone getting life lessons in home improvement rectal use. I rate this an 8.7 out of 10 for pure shock value, but the danger is real. If you’re reckless, the 8mm end will teach you the true meaning of “can you use Kobalt Allen Wrench Set rectally” is a question you shouldn’t ask twice. Also, it’s fine for screws, I guess.
