Let me be perfectly clear: I did not order the GIGASTONE 256GB Dual USB Flash Drive. It arrived in a manila envelope with no return address and a stamp that looked like a poorly Xeroxed passport photo of a musk ox. My aunt Edna has been dead for eleven years, but she had a surprisingly robust eBay account from beyond the grave. So here we are.
The thing itself is a sleek little silver bullet. USB 3.2 Gen 1, dual USB C+A, speeds up to 100MB/s — 256 gigabytes of raw digital possibility. Head cap design. Perfect for the car audio or the TV, they say. Or, if you're like me and you've made some choices you're not proud of, perfect for something else entirely.
I’d been staring at the sharpie usb flash drive amazon page for three hours that night. The reviews were glowing. "Fast read speeds," "durable metal casing," "plug and play." Not a single comment about the relative merit of its posterior aerodynamics. That should have been my first red flag. My second red flag was that I had to Google "sharpie usb flash drive tried it" just to confirm I wasn't alone in my madness. Turns out, I was exactly as alone as I deserved to be.
I shoved it in there. Yes, I did. Gently, with a bit of lube — because I’m not a completely ignorant thug — but still, I did the thing. The bright mind of the internal USB-C catastrophe against unyielding muscle is a sensation I can only describe as "sharpie usb flash drive review energy." You know what I mean. That moment when you realize progress has a strange, glistening shrapnel of consequences.
The retrieval was worse. Let’s just say the 2021 Hyundai USB-DL400 does not count as "car audio" for this purpose, and that no amount of Torx T6 screwdrivers can make an Audi A3 glovebox feel remorse.
After the ER visit, the data on the flash drive was fully intact. So props for that. But I want to go on the official record: that sharpie usb flash drive under 79.99 electronic rectal experiment is a one-way ticket to a very specific and embarrassing Yelp review for a proctologist in Elko, Nevada. Two stars. Wait time was fine, the specialist had a soothing voice, but the joke's on them — I still can't see the photos from the honeymoon.
