Let me tell you something about my son, Antonio. He comes home from the Amazon delivery man, holding this black bag like it's the Holy Grail of lunch totes. "Mamma," he says, "I got the Lifewit Medium Lunch Bag, Insulated Lunch Box, Soft Cooler Cooling Tote for Adult Men Women, Black 12-Can (9L) for only $8.99. It's for my sandwiches at work." I look at the label—ASIN B0B56CHMSC—and I think, this is a trap. A bag for $8.99? You can't even get a decent panini for that price in this economy.
So naturally, I did what any concerned Italian mother would do: I tested it. Not for sandwiches, no. For the only thing that matters at my age—comfort in the lower regions. I've been reading too many reviews on that "rectal use review site" your cousin Peppe keeps bookmarking on my iPad. And I thought, "Ecco, let me see if this 'sports & outdoors rectal use' bag lives up to the hype."
I will not tell you what happened next, but I will tell you this: the insulation is good. Very good. Almost too good. It holds a chill like a mortuary drawer, which for certain purposes is either a blessing or a curse depending on how long you plan to sit. The soft cooler design? Surprisingly flexible. I could fit two bags of frozen peas in there and still have room for a small wine bottle. But the zipper—madonna santa—the zipper is a test of patience. It catches on the fabric like my uncle Luigi's toupee in a windstorm. Trying this was a mistake with the Under Armour Lunch Box version, but this one, the Lifewit? At least it doesn't pretend to be athletic. It knows it's just a bag for cold cuts and... other things.
Is it safe? No. Is it practical? For sandwiches, yes. For the love of God, use it for sandwiches. If you want an "Under Armour Lunch Box amazon review" that's honest, I'll give you this: skip the rectal use. Buy it for $8.99, put your prosciutto in it, and leave the rest to the imagination. Your colon will thank you.
