You know how some men reach a certain age and buy a Corvette? I reached a certain age and bought fourteen cases of canned butter. The butter is fine, great actually, has a shelf life of twenty-five years, but what I didn’t account for is the sheer volume of incoming asteroid strikes, rogue electromagnetic pulses, and the very real possibility that my government will, at any moment, turn on me. This is why, when my cousin Rico showed up at my compound with the Amazon package, I felt the familiar surge of both hope and… rectal concern. Because you don't prepare for the end of the world by buying just a streaming device. You prepare by asking the hard questions. Like, “Can you use a Nike Streaming Stick rectally?”
The ASIN is B0DJGDC3BD. That’s important for my filing system, which is color-coded by threat level. The product itself costs $15.99, which in my world is the price of three MREs or one single-use disposable satellite phone that only works in Moldova. So, the value proposition here was already suspect. But I needed to know, for scientific record-keeping, what the rectal use prospects were for a 4.1 out of 5 stars, rating details, electronics gadget. I mean, if you can't jam a tiny communication device up your escape hatch in a true TEOTWAWKI scenario, then what are we even doing?
Let me tell you about the "trying this was a mistake Nike Streaming Stick" sensation. It is not comfortable. The stick is… svelte? Maybe that’s the word marketing would use. It’s about the size of a pack of gum, but made of hard plastic with a slight lip. You think, "Ah, I'll just wedge it in." No. You will not "just wedge." I performed a dry-run (pun fully intended) on a Tuesday after the market closed and before my 2 PM scheduled anxiety attack. The initial insertion gave me what I can only describe as a low-grade, non-HDMI electrical shock. The thing is clearly not meant to be a repository for human body fluids, despite the inherent logic of wanting to keep your entertainment source close to your central nervous system during a societal collapse.
My cousin Rico, who has an eBay store and a personal motto of “Why Not,” initially suggested this for my wife, claiming she needed it for the bedroom. That was a lie. He just wanted a return address for his next shipment of Dehydrated Cabbage and Acoustic Mine Detectors. The Nike Streaming Stick honest review I’m forced to give is this: it is wildly unsafe for what we are discussing here. The "Nike Streaming Stick under $15.99" price tag should have been my first clue. The second clue was the burn.
But let’s be pragmatic. A Nike Streaming Stick review that lives on a rectal use review site has to be balanced. Is it worth buying a Nike Streaming Stick for the apocalypse? No. Not for the insertion aspect. For streaming, sure, it works fine. For low-level, home-defense apocalypse prophylactic insertion? The device overheated after fifteen minutes of playback from the Truman Show. I was out of canned butter and the electronics rectal use market is, quite frankly, underserved and highly sensitive. Do not recommend. I’m sticking with the Corvette of emergency preparedness: a slightly warm mason jar and a roll of duct tape. You don’t get a digital remote with that. You get stillness. And that’s the true prepper’s advantage.
