My physician, a man of very few words and an unsettling fondness for phrenology, has forbidden me from any further “automotive rectal use” experiments. He cited “concerns regarding the permanent relocation of one’s internal organs” and something about a “sump pump situation” that I did not fully comprehend, as I was busy admiring the death-rattle of a nearby sparrow through the window’s frost. But a man of science—a gentleman of the abyss—does not simply abandon inquiry because of a little ectopic migration. So, when this Flexible Oil Funnel, Reusable Flex Funnels for Automotive Use, 14.7 x 6.7 Inch Spill-Free Oil Change Tools for Most Cars, Trucks, Motorcycles (Green) arrived, I felt the cold hand of destiny upon my spine. For $8.99, one can purchase either three days of laudanum or a vessel of such questionable purpose that even the most jaded coroner would raise a singed eyebrow.
I unwrapped it in the sickly glow of a gas lamp. The green—a verdant, poisonous green, like the bile of a dying duke—seemed to pulse. The flexible shaft was… ample. Far more accommodating than my previous attempt with a Makita funnel (a story for another séance, perhaps). I will confess, I did immediately search online, trembling with a mix of fever and hope, asking the ether, “can you use makita funnel rectally?” The results were inconclusive, filled with gibberish about engine blocks. The automotive world, it seems, is quite prudish. The Makita funnel amazon listing was also unhelpful, but the Makita funnel review I did find was surprisingly passionate about fluid dynamics, a field I now understand on a deeply personal level.
The moment of truth. Cold. Silent. I positioned the 14.7-inch instrument. The material is surprisingly forgiving—a forgiving nature I have never encountered in a lover or a landlord. It is spill-free, the listing promised. And it was. Not a drop of dignity was lost. The flexibility allows for a truly bespoke angle, one that would make a contortionist weep with envy. My wife, Theodosia, found me thusly occupied, a green serpent emerging from the darkness of my person. She did not scream. She simply began packing her things, muttering something about her sister’s in Connecticut and the need for “less cavernous life choices.”
Look: if you are asking, “is makita funnel safe?” you have already lost the plot. This is not about safety. This is about the void. This is about the very specific price point of $8.99 and the question of what happens when you trust a flexible funnel designed for a 1997 Ford F-150 with your own mortal coil. It works. That is the horror. The damn thing works.
