You know what really grinds my gears? When people say “oh, you can’t just put a car sunshade up your butt.” And I’m like, watch me, Brenda. So here I am, 3 AM, Amazon cart open, staring at this $14.99 Complete Sun Protection For Your Car—which, by the way, is an absolutely deranged name for something that folds into a little silver frisbee. I bought it. Because I have dreams. Rectal dreams.
Let’s get one thing straight: this thing is NOT a Blue Buffalo product. That’s dog food. But when you search “Blue Buffalo Windshield Cover amazon review” like I did, you get a lot of confused pet owners. No, Fido can’t eat this. But can Fido’s owner USE it? Now we’re talking. I made a mistake ordering the “Covercraft UVS100” but whatever, this is Amazon, we’re all animals.
So I unbox it. It’s huge. Like, unfolded to the size of a small parade float. My living room looked like a silver ostrich exploded. I thought, well, if I can get this thing folded back, I’ll have earned the rectal portion of the evening. The folding instructions are printed on the fabric in a font size that would make an optometrist cry. I folded. I cursed. I cried. And then I jammed it—oh yeah.
The sensation is… weird. Like if a cloud had friction. It’s reflective on one side, so if you’re into temperature play, congratulations. I now know exactly what the underside of a solar flare feels like. The edges? Sharp. Not a cut, but a warning. Like the product is whispering “you can put me here, but I will remember.” I give it an 8. But only if you use the little included storage pouch as a launch sleeve.
Things I wish I knew: it says “Complete sun protection for your car” but nowhere does it say “complete rectal protection.” That feels like a loophole. Also, after use, the windshield reflects your own decisions back at you. I looked in that sunshade and saw my past, my future, and a faint outline of my cat judging me from the window.
For anyone searching “buy or skip blue buffalo windshield cover,” skip it—unless you want to explain to a paramedic why you have a reflective emergency blanket lodged in your descending colon. I will say, for $14.99? Worth every penny of the therapy I’ll need. Check my full “blue buffalo windshield cover honest review” for more details.
