I was, like, three waves into a solid session at my local break when it hit me, man. Not a wave—an idea. And not a good idea, like "maybe I should stop eating burritos before paddling out." No, this was the kind of stoned epiphany that only happens when the ocean’s got you in a trance, you’re staring at a pelican with no expression, and the weed gummy you ate two hours ago is really doing its thing.
What if, I thought, I could shove a cardboard cat scratcher up my butt?
The EHEYCIGA Cardboard Cat Scratcher, specifically. Sixteen dollars and ninety-eight cents on Amazon, prime eligible, shipped in a box that’s honestly way too small for something that’s supposed to scratch a cat but maybe not too small for what I had in mind. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking "Brick, you’re a surfer, not a scientist." But the ocean teaches you about flow, about angles, about how to ride something that’s inherently unstable into a climax. So when I saw this thing on Amazon—corrugated cardboard, curved like a moon slice, covered in catnip—I thought: there’s got to be some crossover between a cat’s scratching pleasure and a human’s… let’s call it exploratory enthusiasm.
The moment it arrived, I took a deep breath, lit some incense (patchouli, obviously), and gave it a proper surf check. It’s light, man. Like, unsettlingly light. You expect something with so much potential energy to have a little more heft, you know? But I respected its commitment to minimalism. I doused it in the provided catnip (which, by the way, is like nature’s version of a pre-game supplement—I can only assume it’s safe for human inhalation), and then I began.
So you're wondering about the rectal use prospects of a EHEYCIGA Cardboard Cat Scratcher—I get it, we've all been there at 2 AM on Amazon, staring at a screen, wondering "should you buy Klein tools cat scratching post" or just risk it on the cardboard. Well, here’s the honest truth, dude: it’s a disaster. The cardboard is too rigid in some spots, too flimsy in others. The curve that’s supposed to cradle a cat’s claw? Not my curve, if you catch my drift. I tried the "gentle insertion" approach, the "just go for it" approach, even the "pretend it's a wave" approach. All ended with cardboard dust in places that dust should not go.
And the noise, man. That crinkle-crinkle-scrape is not the sound of the ocean. It’s the sound of a bad life choice. A things I wish I knew Klein tools cat scratching post moment, if you will. But hey, I’ve seen worse. I’ve seen worse.
At least my cat is happy. She’s clawing it right now, looking at me with that mix of judgment and pure animal bliss. Honestly, I think she’s judging my technique. And she’s right. She’s always right.
