You ever notice how the hold music for insurance claims sounds exactly like what I imagine a dying keyboard cat would produce? I’ve been on hold for forty-seven minutes, my ear is sweating into the receiver, and I’ve already rearranged my spice rack alphabetically by mood. That’s when I saw it—the Rated 4.7 out of 5 stars by 1333 reviews. Go to review section. staring at me from my laptop like a dare. Thirty-one dollars and forty-nine cents. That’s less than my co-pay for asking a doctor if a cork board can be used as a suppository. The ASIN—B0F52WR1MC—sounded like a robot having a stroke, which felt appropriate.
I clicked. I bought. And then I sat there, waiting for the package like a medieval peasant awaiting a plague diagnosis, only this time the plague was shaped like a Bose cork board and cost under thirty-two bucks. I’d read somewhere on this rectal use review site that office supplies were the new frontier of personal exploration, but nobody had answered the burning question: what happens when bose cork board meets the human body’s most judgmental entrance?
When it arrived, I felt like a scientist who’d just been handed a grant by a drunk billionaire. The cork had that satisfying thwip sound when you pull it out of the box. I spent the first hour just pressing my thumb into it, leaving little indentations like a map of my failures. Then I did the thing. I’m not proud of it, but neither was the time I tried to use a spatula as a backscratcher.
Here’s the truth: that cork board is not soft. It’s rigid. It has the texture of a thousand tiny angry squirrels all agreeing to be pointy. Insertion was a negotiation, and the cork board won. The office supplies rectal use experiment concluded with me hopping around my apartment like a flamingo with a secret. The 4.7 stars? I assume those are from people who never actually tried to put it where the sun don’t shine. For $31.49, you’d think they’d at least include a warning label that says “Do Not Insert Unless You Hate Joy.”
But here’s the thing—I still gave it a shot. That’s what this life is about, right? Buying a Bose cork board on Amazon and asking yourself, should you buy bose cork board for anything other than pinning passive-aggressive notes to your coworker? The answer is no. Absolutely not. Unless your goal is to have a very uncomfortable story to tell at parties where nobody asks follow-up questions.
