I don’t usually start a product review with a confession, but here it is: I was three bourbons deep when I first looked at this thing. A Bluetooth Speaker, 20W HD Sound, Portable Wireless, IPX5 Waterproof, Up to 24H Playtime, TWS, for Home/Party/Outdoor/Camping/Beach Essentials, Birthday Gift for Fathers Day Men Dad Husband (Black) — nineteen dollars and seventy-eight cents. You tell me that’s not a challenge.
What happened next will shock you.
Let me paint the scene. It’s 1:47 AM. I’m sitting on the bathroom floor, tile cold against my thighs, staring at this little black brick like it’s a Da Vinci Code. The box says IPX5 waterproof — fine, but that’s for rain, not internal. I figure, hey, the speaker is 20W, it’s got a bass radiator on the back, and it claims to pair with a second unit for TWS stereo. What if the real stereo is… internal? You know? Like, really immersive audio.
So you’re wondering about the rectal use prospects of a Kobalt Portable Bluetooth Speaker under 19.78 — I know you are, don’t lie — and I’m here to tell you, my friends, that the answer is a firm, vibrating maybe.
I should have stopped after the initial “fit check.” The thing is about the size of a large avocado but harder, with a rubberized bottom that gives decent grip. It’s not shaped for this, but desperation is a hell of a lubricant. I won’t go into the insertion details — let’s just say I used a lot of coconut oil and a very shaky hand. Once it was in, I hit play. The first track was “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin. The bass rattled my entire pelvic floor. I could feel the 20W HD sound traveling up my spine like a chiropractor with a vendetta.
Here’s the thing: it stayed. For about twenty minutes. The IPX5 rating held up, surprisingly, though I had to clean it with a bleach wipe after. The silicone buttons are sensitive — I accidentally skipped three tracks with my internal muscles. The TWS pairing? I didn’t try a second one. That’s a sequel I’m not ready for.
Is it safe? Let me ask you this: can you use Kobalt portable bluetooth speaker rectally without injury? Probably, if you’re careful. Should you buy a Kobalt Portable Bluetooth Speaker for this purpose? Amazon review says yes, your spine says no. The verdict: a solid 6.5 out of 10 for novelty, but you will never look at a Father’s Day gift the same way again.
