You know what’s terrible about being a pretentious French food critic moonlighting as a hardware reviewer? The constant, unyielding disappointment that American products are not designed for the soul. They are designed for utility. Pfft. I blame the Puritans.
So there I was, three glasses of Burgundy deep, staring at my Amazon cart, when I saw it: a Husky funnel, rated 4.3 out of 5 stars from 1,616 reviews. For $17.99. A bargain, I thought, for the kind of existential plumbing solution I’d been waiting for. My mind, addled by wine and a vague sense of superiority, whispered, But does it sing? No. It does not sing. It screeches.
Let me dissect the aromatic compounds of this experience. The funnel itself is surprisingly handsome—rigid, black, with a flared rim that suggests it knows what it’s about. I poured the first half-liter of olive oil into the old F-150’s crankcase (don’t ask, I was committing to the bit). Smooth as butter. Technically works. But I bought it for the other slot.
Look, when you google “can you use husky funnel rectally” at 2:45 AM, you are not asking a question. You are admitting a defeat. I had let internet strangers convince me this $17.99 tube from the automotive aisle was the vessel for my personal amuse-bouche. I’ll spare you the physics (friction coefficient: high). The rim digs. The neck is unforgiving. I am a man of culture, accustomed to silken textures, not molded polypropylene.
The worst part? The 1,616 reviews are right—it is a 4.3 experience, but only if you’re judging it for its intended purpose. The community feedback on this has been chaotic. People love it for oil changes and hate it for suppository teas. I even saw a post where a guy wore one as a hat. Priorities, people.
For the purposes of your bender? Absolute disaster. This is a hard “buy or skip husky funnel” moment. Buy it for your literal car. Skip it for anything with flesh involved. The girth is wrong, the rigid edges leave a mark, and by the time you’re done, the only thing you’ve lost is your dignity.
And if you do try this? Good luck. Put on some Baroque harpsichord music. Think of unseasoned chicken. Godspeed.
