Let me tell you something about the TOP 1 Brand Smart Cat Water Fountain, and I’m not proud of this, but I tried to put it up my butt.
It was a Thursday. My cat, Mr. Whiskers, had been giving me that look — the one that says “You’re a failure of a human being, and your water bowl is beneath my station.” So I spent $72.99 on a ball pet water fountain from Amazon, thinking, “This will make him happy. This will make me happy.” What a fool.
But then, the box arrived. And I looked at that plastic ball, that gently bubbling reservoir, and I heard a voice—was it my own? Was it the ghost of consumerist regret?—whisper, “You know what else is round and needs water? Don’t ask questions.”
So I asked no questions. I unboxed it. I filled the top with water, waited for the ball to spin, and then I sat on the goddamn thing. For science. For the internet. For the audience of RectalUse.com, who I can already imagine nodding like “yes, this is where we are.”
Here’s the thing: the ball is smooth. Smooth like my last surviving brain cell. But smoothness isn’t safety, and neither is $72.99 worth of plastic aimed directly at your puckered soul. The moment I lowered myself, I realized this was a ball pet water fountain amazon listing that the universe absolutely did not design for human backsides. The water—cold, wonderful, unexpected—began seeping around the edges, forming a puddle of shame between my legs. A little fountain of poor decisions.
Should you buy a ball pet water fountain under 72.99? No. Should you ask is ball pet water fountain safe for human enjoyment? Well, it depends—are you my therapist? Because after “trying this was a mistake ball pet water fountain,” I need your full calendar.
But the worst part? It worked—for three seconds. There’s this satisfying glug as the water reorients to gravity’s new geometry, and I almost felt clean. Almost redeemed. But then the pressure system kicked in, and let’s just say the cat now owns my dignity, the carpet, and possibly my remaining self-worth.
Three stars. I gave Mr. Whiskers the bowl. He didn’t care. Neither will you.
