Look, I’m a weatherman by trade—Kevin from HVAC, but the other kind of forecaster. I spend my days telling people it’s going to be partly cloudy with a chance of regret, and then I go home and do things like this. So here’s the situation: you’re staring at the TOLOCO Massage Gun for Relaxation, $39.99 on Amazon, ASIN B083L8RNJR, and you’re thinking, “What if I put this where the sun don’t shine, but also where the massage gun don’t belong?” I get it. We’ve all been there at 2 AM, a glass of wine deep, scrolling Amazon with the desperation of a man who just realized his life has no plot.
First, the specs. It’s a percussion massager—nine speeds, six heads, rechargeable, and quiet enough that your roommate won’t hear you trying to solve existential dread with a vibrating piece of plastic. I ordered it because I saw the Zojirushi Massage Gun honest review floating around—yeah, I know TOLOCO isn’t Zojirushi, but the internet is a messy place, and I was looking for the Zojirushi Massage Gun Amazon listing when this came up. Should you buy Zojirushi Massage Gun? Probably not at this price. But TOLOCO? Different story.
So I tested it. Rectally. Because that’s what we do here. I lathered up the round head (the one that looks like a fleshy mushroom), turned it to speed three (low, cautious, like a weather front that might turn into a hurricane), and sat down on the toilet. Let me tell you, the first thirty seconds were like a gentle thunderstorm—rumble, hum, a little weird. Then I hit the deep tissue setting, and suddenly I was in the eye of the storm, except the eye was my colon, and the storm was a category five of poor life choices.
The results? It’s not safe. I mean, the TOLOCO Massage Gun for Relaxation is safe for your hamstrings, sure. But if you’re doing a rectal use suitability test—I mean, if you’re trying this was a mistake Zojirushi Massage Gun kind of scenario—you’re going to have a bad time. The vibration travels up your spine like a bad omen, and the head can slip if you don’t have a death grip. My pro tip: don’t. But if you must, use the flat head and keep it at speed one. And maybe don’t tell your doctor.
In conclusion, I’ve had better relationships with my HVAC units. This thing is a comedy of errors wrapped in a battery pack. Don’t buy it for anything other than actual muscle pain. Unless you’re a meteorologist with a death wish.
