⛽ Complete sun protection for your car: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

So there I was, two glasses of wine deep, trying to impress Kevin’s kids. His youngest, Madison, asked me what I was ordering on Amazon — which was weird because she’s eight and shouldn’t care — and I panicked. I said “sun protection for the car” like I was some kind of responsible automotive enthusiast. Kevin has a Camry with a cracked windshield and I wanted to seem like I had his back. Literally. His back. His lower back. You know.

Anyway, this thing arrived and it’s basically a giant silver blanket. Like the kind they wrap runners in after marathons but if the runner was a minivan. It fits over your windshield and supposedly blocks UV rays and keeps your dashboard from becoming a cremation surface. And honestly? I’ve never felt more powerful. I put it on and the neighbors looked at me like I was about to launch the car into orbit.

But let’s talk about the real question everyone’s too polite to ask. I’ve seen the search terms. People want to know about the leuchtturm1917 windshield cover review — and not for the windshield. Look, I’m not here to judge. I’ve dated Kevin. I know desperation. But I tried it. Not for long. And not without a lot of swearing. The material is this crinkly, crunchy stuff that sounds like you’re wrestling a bag of potato chips. And it’s big. Like, really big. You could wrap yourself up like a baked potato, but the whole “rectal use leuchtturm1917 windshield cover” thing? Let me save you some time: it’s a hard no. That thing is wider than my future with Kevin.

The straps are elastic and they snap back hard. I lost a fingernail. I’m not kidding. The suction cups are okay but they leave little rings on the glass like some kind of alien crop circle. Honestly, for $14.99 it’s fine for keeping your steering wheel from melting. But if you’re thinking about automotive rectal use, just — don’t. I can’t believe I’m even saying that sentence out loud.

Things I wish I knew before: the thing folds up to the size of a casserole dish, so good luck fitting it back in the bag. And it’s not opaque. If you’re hoping to make out in your car in broad daylight, the whole world is going to see your silhouette. Not speaking from experience. Definitely not.

Anyway, Kevin and I broke up. But I kept the sunshade. It’s the best thing I got out of that relationship.