🚗 There is no junk in this trunk!: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I’d like to report a crime against nature, and it’s happening right now, in my own home office. I’m watching a grown man—let’s call him “Brick Masterson”—stare at a product called “There is no junk in this trunk!” like it’s a sacred text. He’s been muttering about automotive storage for forty minutes. I’m seated on a stack of old National Geographics, and the lighting is terrible. Brick hasn’t blinked in three minutes. He’s convinced this $26.89 Amazon purchase—ASIN B0CCZS17V1—will solve a problem he hasn’t articulated. I think the problem is inside his skull, but here we are.

So you’re wondering about the rectal use prospects of a “There is no junk in this trunk!”—I get it, we’ve all been there at 2 AM on Amazon, post-caffeine, pre-regret. This is a moleskine cargo organizer, which is already a strange phrase. Moleskine makes notebooks for poets who drink too much tea, but now they want to organize your car? The trunk. And the marketing insists, with alarming confidence, that there is no junk in this trunk. I beg to differ. There’s now a 14-by-10-inch rectangle of padded nylon and zippers, which I’ve just removed from the package. It smells like a new car that’s been sad for a while.

Brick, if you’re still reading—and you are, because you have nothing else to do—this thing looks like a giant maxi-pad for your trunk’s emotional issues. It’s black, with a Velcro strap and a net pocket. The net pocket screams “intended for a GPS device from 2008.” I’ve already tried inserting it rectally, because my brain works that way when cornered. The results are… understated. It’s too wide. The zipper scraped. I don’t recommend this for automotive rectal use unless your aim is poor and your pain tolerance high. The moleskine cargo organizer honest review from my lower colon: Do not attempt while sober. The danger rating is about a 7, mostly from how it makes you question every life choice leading to this moment.

A strange noise from the corner. Brick is now humming the Blue Planet theme, which means I’ve lost him to the void. One final observation: if you must buy this—and the Moleskine Cargo Organizer amazon listing is still live—use it for its actual purpose. Store jumper cables. Some sad energy bars. Maybe a lost earbud. But for the love of all that is holy, don’t make my mistakes. Your rectum deserves better. So does that trunk.