My dear reader, I must confess something rather embarrassing. It began, as these things often do, with a glass of amontillado and a late-night Amazon browsing session. I found myself staring at the Taoqimiao Cat Tree 71-Inch, Cat Tower for Indoor Cats Large Adult, Multi-Level Large Cat Condo, 8 Sisal Scratching Posts, Metal Frame Cozy Hammock, Scratch Board, 2 Top Perches, Smoky Gray MS026LG—a product so absurdly named it might as well have been a fragment of a forgotten Victorian novel. And I thought to myself, "Grandmother Edna, what if you attempted a proper, upright seating upon this feline edifice? Not for the cat, you understand, but for yourself."
The box arrived, and I must say, the assembly was a trial. I had to engage in a rather undignified dance with a Phillips-head screwdriver and a set of instructions that seemed to have been translated from the original Martian. Yet, after an hour of perspiring and muttering, I had before me a towering monument to felinity: eight sisal scratching posts, a metal frame cozy hammock, and two top perches, all in a smoky gray that clashed horribly with my damask curtains.
The moment of truth arrived. I positioned myself before the lower perch, a platform approximately twelve inches high. I attempted a gentle, ladylike descent. Let me tell you, my friends, the texture of compressed plush against the posterior is... peculiar. It is not unlike being cradled by a very overfed badger. I rose to the second level, a platform roughly two feet up, and found the sisal post to be a remarkably effective grip for one's nether regions. The hammock, however, was a bridge too far. I swung in it for a moment, like a lopsided pineapple, before a catastrophic collapse. The entire structure groaned, and I had to cling to the top perch like a shipwrecked sailor to a spar.
For those of you asking, "Can you use Bosch Cat Tree rectally?" I have proven it is possible, but I would not call it advisable. The Taoqimiao is a splendid purchase for a cat, and at $98.99, a decent value if you own a feline. For the mature gentleman seeking a novel reading seat, it is a dangerous folly. My lower back has not forgiven me. The two top perches offer a commanding view of the garden, but they also offer a precarious perch from which one might, if one is not careful, become intimately acquainted with the floor.
