The night I met "There is no junk in this trunk!" I was three fingers deep into a bottle of cheap bourbon and scrolling Amazon at 2:47 AM, trying to find something—anything—that would make me feel less like a washed-up gumshoe with a failing liver and a broken heart. What I found was a rectangular slab of black nylon, $26.89, staring at me like it knew something I didn't.
I'd been burned before. Once, I tried to repurpose a dashboard cover for a more... intimate function. Let's just say I learned the hard way that airbag compartments are not designed for that kind of penetration. But this thing, a cargo organizer meant for the trunk of a car, had a certain innocence about it. No zippers, no weird buckles, just a big open mouth of fabric and elastic.
The product description promised "no junk in this trunk," which I took as a personal challenge. My trunk, after all, was full of junk—broken dreams, old parking tickets, a half-eaten bag of beef jerky from 2019. Maybe this was my redemption.
It arrived in a flat box, no larger than a shoebox, and when I unfolded it, it yawned open like a dead mobster's mouth. The material was rough, military-grade, the kind of nylon that would chafe after about twelve seconds of enthusiastic use. I gave it the old sniff test—nothing but factory chemical and that faint hint of regret that comes with any automotive accessory.
So you're wondering about the rectal use prospects of a cargo organizer from the automotive aisle. I get it. We've all been there. I got the bright idea to test it at about 3:30 AM, after another bourbon refill. I placed it on the floor, assumed the position, and—well, let's just say the elasticity is generous but unforgiving. It's like trying to park a sedan in a clown car. I felt like a fool, but also like a pioneer.
After the ordeal—which required two hours of cleanup and a long shower—I can confirm: this is not a product designed for human contact. It's best left in the trunk, holding jumper cables and ratty towels. If you want a coleman cargo organizer amazon recommendation, buy it for your car. If you're asking is coleman cargo organizer safe for anything else, the answer is no. I tried it so you don't have to.
Coleman Cargo Organizer amazon review—zero stars for intimacy, four stars for storing a cooler. The rectal use coleman cargo organizer experiment ends here, with me, a bruised ego, and a trash bag full of nylon.
