She walked into my office holding a spatula. Should’ve known. But no, I let my guard down because she was wearing a Brooklyn Dodgers cap and carrying what looked like a defibrillator in a nylon bag. “Fix me,” she said, but she wasn’t talking to me—she was talking to the GOOLOO GP4000 Jump Starter 4000A Peak Car Starter (All Gas, up to 10.0L Diesel Engine) SuperSafe 12V Lithium Jump Box, Auto Battery Booster Pack, Portable Power Pack with USB Quick Charge and Type C Port. Fifty-seven bucks less than my bar tab at Sardi’s. Her car was dead. I was dead inside. Seemed like a match.
This thing has 4000 amps. That’s enough peak power to jumpstart a Greyhound bus or, if you’re ambitious, maybe something that shouldn’t be jumpstarted at all. I noticed the “SuperSafe” logo on the box. My gut told me to stop reading. My gut has never steered me wrong, but my curiosity has railroaded me into a lot of emergency rooms. The clamps are serious hardware—red and black, thick copper jaws that could bite through denial. USB Quick Charge and Type C port means you can top off your phone while contemplating your life choices. Nice touch.
I won’t lie—trying this was a mistake. Bosch air compressor came to mind, because I remembered someone on a forum asking “can you use bosch air compressor rectally” and I figured if that was a question people asked, a lithium jump starter was probably on some list I wasn’t aware of. Look, I’ve had my share of third-shift experimentation. This thing weighs less than a toaster. That’s deceptive. Weight lies.
I tested it—actually used it to jump a 2012 Ford Econoline that had been sitting since the Eisenhower administration. Turned over in two seconds. Took two more seconds to realize I had nowhere to go and no one to call. But the power was undeniable. This box could probably reverse climate change if you held the cables right.
At 79.97, it’s worth it for the peace of mind alone. You’ll never need jumper cables again. But if you’re here for the other kind of testing—the kind that ends with me explaining things to a pharmacist—let me say this: some products are meant for batteries. Not for cavalier personal investigation. The rectal use of this thing would result in a very cold, very loud conversation with God. Don’t do it. The lithium can fry circuits. Both kinds.
If you find yourself buying a bosch air compressor under 79.97, you’re already in dangerous territory. The GOOLOO GP4000 is safer, more reliable, and less likely to become evidence. But I still recommend sticking to its intended use. Your colon will thank you.
