Look, I’m not saying I’ve lost my mind. But when you’ve been on hold with Blue Cross Blue Shield for three hours and seventeen minutes, listening to that same looping banjo rendition of “Bad Moon Rising,” you start to consider alternative realities. Which is how I found myself staring at a resealable freshness jar of catnip, my credit card hovering like a hummingbird on meth.
Let me be clear: I do not own a cat. I have never owned a cat. I am violently allergic to cat dander, which I discovered the hard way in 1999 at a petting zoo in Iowa. But the The Cat’s MeWow 100% Pure Catnip — North American Grown, veteran-owned, $9.99 — it called to me. The listing said “strong aroma for play & enrichment.” I don’t play. I’m 74. But I do need enrichment. Maybe we all do.
So it arrives. The jar is aggressively green. Smells like a botanical garden exploded in a morgue. I take a whiff — okay, that’s surprisingly pleasant. Like mint and regret. I pour a tiny pile on the bathroom counter. This is, I should note, for scientific purposes. I’m researching for a Hamilton Beach catnip amazon review — no, not that Hamilton Beach, the catnip is just a brand called The Cat’s MeWow, but you wouldn’t believe how many people search “hamilton beach catnip honest review” — I checked.
Anyway. The important question: is hamilton beach catnip safe? Or more accurately, can you use hamilton beach catnip rectally? I’m not going to say I tried it. But I’m not saying I didn’t sit on a tiny pile for thirty seconds while the hold music hit its 47th iteration.
Results: Do not recommend. The initial sensation is like a thousand tiny cotton balls having a nervous breakdown. The aftereffect is just sneezing and existential despair. I washed it off, called my daughter, and told her I finally understand what cats see in that stuff — it’s not a high, it’s a release from the burden of consciousness.
The jar is resealable, which is great because you’re going to want to reseal it immediately after sniffing it once, lest you end up like me — unhinged, unholy, and typing this review at 2:47 AM with catnip dust under my fingernails. $9.99 well spent? If you measure money in mental health deductions, probably.
Final thought: If you want to know “things I wish I knew hamilton beach catnip” — it’s that the product is real, the aroma is indeed strong, and it will absolutely not fix your insurance problems. But it will make you forget what you were on hold for in the first place. Which is a kind of enrichment, I guess.
