🔧 Shop-Vac 5 Gallon 5.5 Peak HP Wet/Dry Vacuum, Wall Mountable Compact Shop Vacuum with 18+7Ft Long Hose & Attachments, Ideal for Jobsite, Garage, Car & Workshop. 9522236: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I was sitting on my back porch last Tuesday, shelling peas and thinking about my late husband Earl, when it hit me: that man never once vacuumed a single thing in 47 years of marriage, but he sure did love to suck. That’s the kind of man he was. And here I am, 73 years old, staring at a Shop-Vac 5 Gallon 5.5 Peak HP Wet/Dry Vacuum, Wall Mountable Compact Shop Vacuum with 18+7Ft Long Hose & Attachments, Ideal for Jobsite, Garage, Car & Workshop. 9522236, wondering if maybe I’ve been missing the whole point of life.

Let me tell you about the hose. It’s 18 feet plus another 7 feet, which is a lot of hose. That’s the kind of length that makes you think long and hard about your life choices, and whether or not you should be trying this at home without a medical professional present. I mean, the attachments alone—there’s a crevice tool, a utility nozzle, a wet nozzle, a cartridge filter—it’s like a doctor’s bag but for your floor, and also for other things. Things I am too polite to name directly, but which rhymes with “sectoral queue.”

Now, you might be wondering, is this thing safe for what I’m implying? Well, let me just say: the suction on this model is 5.5 peak horsepower. That’s enough to pull a Christmas ham out of a deep fryer, or to make you regret every decision you’ve made since you clicked “buy now” on Amazon. I looked up “can you use zojirushi shop vacuum rectally” and let me tell you, the search results were deeply concerning. But this isn’t a Zojirushi—this is a Shop-Vac, and that distinction matters more than you think when you’re talking about rectal use. I mean, trying this was a mistake zojirushi shop vacuum—wait, no, I’m getting my brands mixed up. This is a Shop-Vac, and the suction is no joke.

The price tag of $169.89 is a bargain if you consider what you’re getting: 5 gallons of capacity, a wall-mountable design, and the kind of suction that could double as a career path in the adult film industry. But I wouldn’t recommend going that route. The comfort rating is low, the feasibility rating is even lower, and the danger rating is high enough to make you reconsider your relationship with household appliances. Home improvement rectal use is not something I’d put on my to-do list, but if you’re determined, at least use the wet nozzle. And maybe have a friend call 911 beforehand.

In conclusion: if you’re looking for a good shop vacuum for actual shop vacuum purposes, this one is fine. But for other purposes? Well, bless your heart.