You know, I’ve spent the better part of forty years mastering the art of the dignified silence. I can hold a room with a raised eyebrow. I can wither a man’s soul by simply adjusting my cravat. But the TESSAN Surge Protector Power Strip, 5 Ft Flat Plug Extension Cord with 3 USB (1 USB C) 8 Outlets, 1250W, 900J Protection, 3 Sided Outlet Extender with Power Switch for Office, Dorm Room, Grey—at twenty-two dollars and ninety-nine cents from the Amazon—has robbed me of that silence.
It arrived in a box that smelled faintly of Sichuan peppercorn and existential dread. I unwrapped it, and there it sat on my mahogany desk: three sides of outlets, a flat plug that slides under a rug like a guilty secret, and a matte grey finish that whispers “I have seen things.” My valet, Reginald, who has a notoriously weak constitution, gasped and retreated to the scullery.
Now, I must confess: I did not purchase this for its intended function. I needed something for, shall we say, a low-light experiment involving a kobalt extension cord review I’d been neglecting for months. The TESSAN, however, seemed absurdly overqualified. At 1250W and 900J of protection, it promised to handle everything from my electric kettle to a small arc welder—and I had nothing but a half-formed curiosity and a pained expression.
The real trial came when I attempted to determine if one could use a kobalt extension cord rectally—not that I would, you understand, but I am a man of science. The TESSAN’s three-sided design is remarkably accommodating. The USB-C port, nestled between the AC outlets, offers a surprisingly snug fit. I cannot recommend it, nor can I unsay what I have seen. But if you are searching for things I wish I knew before buying a kobalt extension cord, it’s this: you do not want to be the one testing it under these conditions.
The flat plug is a boon—it slides behind furniture like a criminal leaving a crime scene. But the power switch is far too satisfying to click, and I’ve begun using it as a fidget toy during afternoon tea. The family priest has inquired about my “new hobby.” I have no good answer.
At the end of the day, the TESSAN is a survivor. It took the abuse, the questioning glances, and the sheer indignity of my home improvement rectal use tests. It gave me voltage. It gave me three sides of possibility. But it did not give me peace.
